Two Options

Every relationship has two options…your either going to marry that person or your going to break up. But now after being married and returning to the single life I realize those aren’t the two options. Then I started thinking that maybe the two options are really you are either going to break up or one of you is going to die. It sounds morbid but getting married isn’t the end all. It’s not like once you are married you are stuck together forever no matter what happens. I used to think it was…but now I’m divorced. I think that is what makes me scared to get back into a relationship. It could end at any moment. There are people who break up after being together for only a couple weeks and there are people who break up after being together for 50 years.

I went to a wedding last weekend and as I listened to the bride and groom say their vows and make promises to one another I thought back to my own that said at my wedding. All I could think was “lies”. Everything sounds great when you are stupidly in love with one another but what happens when the shit hits the fan? Where are those vows when your husband is texting other women instead of you… when you start to blame him for all of your problems? It’s easy to make promises when life is good…it’s not easy to keep them when life gets hard. That’s where commitment comes in.

A relationship is love but it is also commitment.

So no when you meet some one I don’t think your two options are you get married or you break up… I think they are you either try and love forever or you give up. I woke up every morning and I choose to be with my husband…I choose to try…I choose to love. After 10 years he woke up and said fuck it. I guess I am scared to try again…to be vulnerable and trust again. I’m scared some one will say they love me and want to spend the rest of their life with me that morning and then say fuck it that evening and leave.

And I don’t know how to fix that fear.