It feels like every time I try to get up...life pushes me down. I start to think I'm happy...I start to think I can do this...and then I am just pushed back down. I have 32 minutes until 2016. And I'm afraid its not going to help me. You see I have learned that if something bad happens I blame it on something I don't need. When my parents got divorced I blamed it on Steve because I didn't need him...but I needed my mom and dad. When Joe cheated I blamed it on her...I convinced my self that she tricked him because I needed him. And now I find my self blaming everything on 2015 because I don't need it...and well I have nothing else to put my blame on. I am trying to cope the best way I know how. I am writing, blaming on things I don't need, trying to change everything I can to try to gain some control back in my life... and yet here I am helpless...feeling sorry for myself with 30 minutes left of 2015. I texted him at his midnight... nothing. Most of the time it's nothing. He said a long distance relationship would "destroy me"...I'm not sure what he meant by that but like Vicky said we have been in a "relationship" for the last 13 years...the only difference now is that I am single and all those words, promises, thoughts, feelings...can be real now. I think that scares him...but who do I blame for him? Who or what do I direct my anger and sadness?
I feel like every time I get happy...something comes and kicks me down. A couple swift kicks to the ribs and I'm back on the ground begging for it to stop. I like to think God has a plan for me...that all of this is for a reason...my mom seems to hope that too. I just hope I find out the reason soon. For a month and a half I was praying almost all the time. Begging for help...begging for guidance... begging for anything. He still left me. And he was happy about it. I am still losing my home. Still losing the life I once had. And I think I lost god. Because I prayed and prayed...I seemed help from the church... I did everything I could do. But it wasn't enough. The last two times I was in the sanctuary... kneeling at the alter...trying to pray I ended up in tears. Because I felt all alone...I felt bad that I stopped believing in him.
I don't know what to do anymore...I am thinking about moving away...getting a tattoo...finding a new job... is that what I need to do or are those all just crazy panic thoughts? There are 15 minutes now till 2016... I'm not going to lie...I am starting to get nervous. All night the neighbors have been shooting off fireworks and it sounds like I'm in the middle of a battle scene. It scared Winnie at first but 6 hours later and she is pretty used to it now. But I feel like it is a fitting way to take out 2015...because it has been nothing but a fight for me. Nothing but a long drawn out battle. And I know I am going to suffer from PTSD after it's over...I just hope (not matter how much I try to convince my self that I don't need a man and that I can do everything on my own...which isn't working by the way) I just hope that I find a man who will take care of me...emotionally, physically, sexually, and religiously. Some one who generally cares about me and puts me first for once. I need some one who will be strong enough to love me and hold me and keep me safe. I need some one else. God made me to be with some one...I just hope he made that person for me to be with.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Fuck me 2015
Seriously?!?!? Seriously?!?!?! Only a couple more hours of this shitty year and my car dies on me. Alex and google seem to think a cylinder isn't firing and Alex says that is expensive and I should just start looking for a new car. Well guess what everyone! I can't afford a new car!! I can't afford anything! So now I am trapped in my house for the next 3 days until I can attempt to drive it to Bellevue to have Al look at it and tell me what is wrong. Fuck me. I have $1400.00 I can put down on a car right now and that won't get me much of anything. Meanwhile Joe is driving around in his 2013 ford escape that is still under warranty. Yes for over two years we were paying around $500 a month for his car while putting nothing into mine. But that's how our whole marriage was was't it? Him taking and me settling for shit so he would be happy. Me sacrificing so that he could have what he wanted. Well FUCK THAT! I am done settling...I am done always giving and getting nothing in return. 2016 is going to be the year of me! The year I get new clothes...a new home...a new job...and apparently a new car. I am getting a whole new 2.0 version of Jilian and I am going to be stronger then I was before...more confident then I was before. Why? Because I have put up with too much shit and I'm sick of it.
In 2015 I dealt with a knee surgery...I dealt with my husband cheating on me...I dealt with my aunt dying...I dealt with a divorce...I dealt with a bladder and yeast infection...I death with bronchitis... I dealt with car problems...
So now instead of going like a sad pathetic weirdo to a movie by myself...I am sitting at home with my two cats (which Winnie is loving because the neighbors are shooting off fireworks and freaking her out) watching netflix and looking to see how much fun every one else is having tonight on Facebook...joy. This also means that the trip I was going to take down to Cannon Beach by my self (which dad freaked out about saying it is dangerous for a girl to be traveling by her self...so what I am not aloud to go or do anything now? Fuck that! And people wonder why I didn't tell him about my Charleston trip...*rolls eyes*) is canceled too because I don't have a car. But luckily for me the one trip tomorrow to Mt. Rainier with dad and Meridith is still on and again lucky for me Meridith is already asking to do things (sledding) besides take photos...the original purpose of the trip (which originally was suppose to be me going alone.
I really really really hope 2016 is better then this year. I don't think I can do it if it's not.
AND apparently me being angry right now is absolutely absurd to everyone else... I don't think my anger is out of line... I think my anger right now is a normal human reaction to the situation I have been dealt. Am I going to move on and fix it...yes . Am I going to dwell on it...no. So let me be angry tonight. Let me vent. Let me rage while I figure out a plan.
In 2015 I dealt with a knee surgery...I dealt with my husband cheating on me...I dealt with my aunt dying...I dealt with a divorce...I dealt with a bladder and yeast infection...I death with bronchitis... I dealt with car problems...
So now instead of going like a sad pathetic weirdo to a movie by myself...I am sitting at home with my two cats (which Winnie is loving because the neighbors are shooting off fireworks and freaking her out) watching netflix and looking to see how much fun every one else is having tonight on Facebook...joy. This also means that the trip I was going to take down to Cannon Beach by my self (which dad freaked out about saying it is dangerous for a girl to be traveling by her self...so what I am not aloud to go or do anything now? Fuck that! And people wonder why I didn't tell him about my Charleston trip...*rolls eyes*) is canceled too because I don't have a car. But luckily for me the one trip tomorrow to Mt. Rainier with dad and Meridith is still on and again lucky for me Meridith is already asking to do things (sledding) besides take photos...the original purpose of the trip (which originally was suppose to be me going alone.
I really really really hope 2016 is better then this year. I don't think I can do it if it's not.
AND apparently me being angry right now is absolutely absurd to everyone else... I don't think my anger is out of line... I think my anger right now is a normal human reaction to the situation I have been dealt. Am I going to move on and fix it...yes . Am I going to dwell on it...no. So let me be angry tonight. Let me vent. Let me rage while I figure out a plan.
Wednesday, December 30, 2015
We need to Talk
So yesterday I finally around 9:00pm his time said "you mentioned you where going to text me when you landed...just want to make sure everything is ok." and he texted me back "Hey yea sorry." So that's it...I need to know what his intentions are...what he wants out of this and how he views me. Even if they are not the answers or response I want I need to know so I can either tone back my expectations and feelings or whatever... I need to know. So at 8:03am I texted him saying "I know your probably busy with the investigation so just when ever you get a chance...Since we have a history together I think it might be good for us to finish that conversation on what we are, what we want, what we mean to each other, etc so that we are both on the same page with thoughts, expectations, feelings, etc"...it's now 10:04am and I have heard nothing back. I am trying not to freak out about it but I am. I don't want him to think i'm being clingy or pushy or anything I just for my own mental and emotional well being need to know. I mean I understand our relationship really hasn't changed at all except for the fact that now I am single and we actually could be together... and it wouldn't be such a big deal if over the last couple years he didn't talk about wanting to be with me...wanting to date me...hell after the wedding he talked about how he wanted to see me in a wedding dress because I would be his. It wouldn't be such a big deal except he tells me that he loves me and that I am his. Am I his? Or is that just how he likes to talk during sex? Did he really miss me or is that just something he says to people he hasn't seen in a while? I need clarification because I have waaaay to many questions going through my head for me to handle.
At 11:32am he finally texted me back and said "Yeah we can finish that talk later. No Problem" and then he volunteered information without me asking about the investigation! So that is good I think? I don't know I wish I didn't over analyse EVERYTHING!
At 11:32am he finally texted me back and said "Yeah we can finish that talk later. No Problem" and then he volunteered information without me asking about the investigation! So that is good I think? I don't know I wish I didn't over analyse EVERYTHING!
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Sex
I hope he can't stop thinking about last night because I know I can't... partly because it was amazing and I didn't know sex could be that good and partly because my whole body is sore and bruised now.
I loved how he greeted me at the door with a huge hug and a how are you...I'm better now. Uggg! Why does that corny stuff melt me? We then spent 3 hours holding each other, kissing each other, and being very dirty with each other....I even gave him the start of a blow job while he was on the phone with his dad!! And the counter sex oh my gosh...my new favorite position...granted I my tail bone would argue this morning. I love how he holds me and I just fit... and he said to me that no one looks at him the way I do...and no one kisses him the way I do... melt again. He also liked to say how he loves me while we have sex...I don't think that is something a guy just does...I mean if I'm already having sex with you then saying it to get me to have sex with you is kinda pointless at that point so I think he really does mean it when he says it and if he is saying it while being that physically intimate with me then that is a good thing I think.
Ugggg! I just wish we lived closer! I just wish we could actually be a legit committed couple! I wish he would be more open with me about everything in his life! Cause I kinda think we would be perfect together... I mean he knows me so well and I know him (as much as I can)... and we where just being goofy and fun yesterday...like that is how an afternoon with a guy is suppose to be! I felt good, I felt comfortable, I felt loved and safe. I want that all the time.
Did I mention I'm sore? Oh my gosh it hurts to move! Some of the bruises and scratches are gone this morning but last night holy crap! He said he was going to call or text me when he landed this morning but it's now like noon his time and I haven't gotten anything from him...so I'm not sure if I should be concerned about it or not...I'm trying to tell my self he was probably so tired when he landed he went home and passed out with out thinking about it....but then why didn't he just text me when the plane landed? Or in the car ride from the airport or...damn it. I want to text him but at the same time I don't want to seem needy. Especially because I texted him a couple times last night and he didn't really respond back. He said he was dropping his parents car off at a friends house and that friend was going to take him to the airport...do I believe him? Do I believe he actually flew out last night? I wish I wasn't so doubting now. I wish I didn't think that every guy will cheat on me...that every girl is a threat...I wish I could trust. At the same time though what is this? He said in Charleston that now isn't a good time for us to try a relationship because I'm still getting over Joe and he will be moving soon. But he also said that he has thought about a relationship with me...that more with me has crossed his mind. What does that mean? Does it mean he wants it? Does it mean he thinks it might work? Or does it mean he was like huh that might be kinda nice like a passing thought that happen to slip in once or twice??? Like what does that mean? How serious does he take me...take us? Does he think about marriage with me or just a hey it's nice having sex on a regular basis...? Is he seeing other people? Is he having sex with other people? I feel like I should know that at least but if I do it's just going to break my heart. And then the question is do I change what I am doing with him if he is? Do I stop having sex with him and make it a plane friendship? I mean hell we couldn't do that even when I was married and he was dating some one (which broke my heart). Am I always going to be in this weird "friend/ friend with benefits" zone? I mean if he didn't care he wouldn't have invested this much time in me...he wouldn't keep coming back to me... I don't know.
Update: So I texted him 9:00am my time noon his saying Hope you had a good flight and it is now 11:36am my time 2:36pm his time and I STILL haven't gotten anything from him. Starting to piss me off especially since every time I move anything it hurts...and we had sex yesterday...and maybe I am just being paranoid and clingy (Vicky doesn't think so she says he shouldn't say he is going to do something if he isn't going to) which is true but this has happened on more then one occasion. And that's the thing... I don't want it to keep happening. I want him to do what he is going to say he is...I want him to think about me and my feelings (ie...texting me when he lands...doing the plans he mentioned to me like the carriage ride and dinner)
I loved how he greeted me at the door with a huge hug and a how are you...I'm better now. Uggg! Why does that corny stuff melt me? We then spent 3 hours holding each other, kissing each other, and being very dirty with each other....I even gave him the start of a blow job while he was on the phone with his dad!! And the counter sex oh my gosh...my new favorite position...granted I my tail bone would argue this morning. I love how he holds me and I just fit... and he said to me that no one looks at him the way I do...and no one kisses him the way I do... melt again. He also liked to say how he loves me while we have sex...I don't think that is something a guy just does...I mean if I'm already having sex with you then saying it to get me to have sex with you is kinda pointless at that point so I think he really does mean it when he says it and if he is saying it while being that physically intimate with me then that is a good thing I think.
Ugggg! I just wish we lived closer! I just wish we could actually be a legit committed couple! I wish he would be more open with me about everything in his life! Cause I kinda think we would be perfect together... I mean he knows me so well and I know him (as much as I can)... and we where just being goofy and fun yesterday...like that is how an afternoon with a guy is suppose to be! I felt good, I felt comfortable, I felt loved and safe. I want that all the time.
Did I mention I'm sore? Oh my gosh it hurts to move! Some of the bruises and scratches are gone this morning but last night holy crap! He said he was going to call or text me when he landed this morning but it's now like noon his time and I haven't gotten anything from him...so I'm not sure if I should be concerned about it or not...I'm trying to tell my self he was probably so tired when he landed he went home and passed out with out thinking about it....but then why didn't he just text me when the plane landed? Or in the car ride from the airport or...damn it. I want to text him but at the same time I don't want to seem needy. Especially because I texted him a couple times last night and he didn't really respond back. He said he was dropping his parents car off at a friends house and that friend was going to take him to the airport...do I believe him? Do I believe he actually flew out last night? I wish I wasn't so doubting now. I wish I didn't think that every guy will cheat on me...that every girl is a threat...I wish I could trust. At the same time though what is this? He said in Charleston that now isn't a good time for us to try a relationship because I'm still getting over Joe and he will be moving soon. But he also said that he has thought about a relationship with me...that more with me has crossed his mind. What does that mean? Does it mean he wants it? Does it mean he thinks it might work? Or does it mean he was like huh that might be kinda nice like a passing thought that happen to slip in once or twice??? Like what does that mean? How serious does he take me...take us? Does he think about marriage with me or just a hey it's nice having sex on a regular basis...? Is he seeing other people? Is he having sex with other people? I feel like I should know that at least but if I do it's just going to break my heart. And then the question is do I change what I am doing with him if he is? Do I stop having sex with him and make it a plane friendship? I mean hell we couldn't do that even when I was married and he was dating some one (which broke my heart). Am I always going to be in this weird "friend/ friend with benefits" zone? I mean if he didn't care he wouldn't have invested this much time in me...he wouldn't keep coming back to me... I don't know.
Update: So I texted him 9:00am my time noon his saying Hope you had a good flight and it is now 11:36am my time 2:36pm his time and I STILL haven't gotten anything from him. Starting to piss me off especially since every time I move anything it hurts...and we had sex yesterday...and maybe I am just being paranoid and clingy (Vicky doesn't think so she says he shouldn't say he is going to do something if he isn't going to) which is true but this has happened on more then one occasion. And that's the thing... I don't want it to keep happening. I want him to do what he is going to say he is...I want him to think about me and my feelings (ie...texting me when he lands...doing the plans he mentioned to me like the carriage ride and dinner)
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Bad Dreams
I'm getting really tired of all these bad dreams... It's like no matter what I do before bed or what thoughts I try to put in my head...he always comes in. It's always reinacting new ways of him telling me he doesn't want me...new ways of me defending that I was a good wife...that I tired...that no one else will be as good as I was. And part of me feels that way and part of me regrets not being better. I could have been better but he could have told me he wasn't happy he could have tried to talk to me about things. When I talk with other people I am always blaming him...but when I am alone I am always blaming me.
I don't think talking to a counselor is going to help...because lets be honest it didn't help before. I think I just need to get by until March and then I will never have to talk or see him again. And that's the big thing...I need to keep my self busy so that I am not looking to see what he has posted on instagram or Facebook. Because we all know he is only going to post good stuff on there...he isn't going to post about how sad and lonely he is...no he is going to spin everything so it looks like he is doing great and happy. Just like I will. Only I would like to be posting because I am truly happy and not just faking it at some point...but right now I gotta fake it till I make it.
I am also hopping that this bladder infection and all it's side effects start to get better soon...because that isn't helping my sleep or my gym time. I'm trying to figure out what to do today...I skipped church because my areas where hurting beyond belief so I started to clean the house and now they are feeling better...why they hurt like hell when I sleep and are fine during the day I will never know. So I got the vacuum bag changed, upstairs vacuumed, two loads of laundry done. I still need to clean the guest bathroom, the master bathroom and change the bed sheets, do another load of dishes, finish packing up the guest room and clean the hardwood floor. I'm not sure how I'm going to make this place look nice to show. I ordered some pictures to put in the frames downstairs but other then that there are NO pictures on any of the walls. Hasn't been since we moved in...we couldn't decide on anything...how sad is that? Next place I move I am putting pictures on the walls ASAP.
So I could clean more since I am on this cleaning fix right now it might be wise to just go with it. Or I could drive to Mt. Rainier for the day and take some pictures...I think it's like a 1.5 or 2 hour drive each direction. So that would take up my whole day. I talked to Ben yesterday via text and he said he was given a couple extra days off...(I still don't know anything about his friends) so he may stay up at Whistler longer after his family leaves (no he didn't say I should come join him) but he wasn't sure if he wanted to do that so I said he was welcome to come stay here and I got a "Thanks" a couple hours later. So I highly doubt that is going to happen...but there is always that chance and I feel like that chance always happens on the days I either don't shower or I'm assuming don't clean the house. (I truly doubt he would come here...he will probably go home to be with Zeus or go stay with his parents or stay at Whistler but I'm assuming the first will happen) So I am just going to wait for him to text me since his texts are still short and not very informative or fun.
I also need to continue to apply for jobs...here and other places. Because no matter what in March I need to find a place to live and I NEED it to not be my dad's house. I will die if that happens...all social life...all independence... everything I have been trying to achieve in the last month will go out the window and it will be twice as hard to be alone on my own again. I mean this is no cake walk right now but that would be even worse! I wish this divorce would just hurry up so I could now what my financial situation is and just move on. Be able to plan father out. Because the biggest issue I'm facing is the where am I going to live and how am I going to pay for it...because I do have a job right now but it doesn't pay shit... soon I will need to find a new job but it's not as urgent as the place to live part and yet it's all tied together because I can't get a place to live without a new job.... see my life is one big shit circle. I wish they would just accept a cover letter and a resume and not make me give them those and then fill out everything on my resume in a questionnaire! I mean just pick one!!
I don't think talking to a counselor is going to help...because lets be honest it didn't help before. I think I just need to get by until March and then I will never have to talk or see him again. And that's the big thing...I need to keep my self busy so that I am not looking to see what he has posted on instagram or Facebook. Because we all know he is only going to post good stuff on there...he isn't going to post about how sad and lonely he is...no he is going to spin everything so it looks like he is doing great and happy. Just like I will. Only I would like to be posting because I am truly happy and not just faking it at some point...but right now I gotta fake it till I make it.
I am also hopping that this bladder infection and all it's side effects start to get better soon...because that isn't helping my sleep or my gym time. I'm trying to figure out what to do today...I skipped church because my areas where hurting beyond belief so I started to clean the house and now they are feeling better...why they hurt like hell when I sleep and are fine during the day I will never know. So I got the vacuum bag changed, upstairs vacuumed, two loads of laundry done. I still need to clean the guest bathroom, the master bathroom and change the bed sheets, do another load of dishes, finish packing up the guest room and clean the hardwood floor. I'm not sure how I'm going to make this place look nice to show. I ordered some pictures to put in the frames downstairs but other then that there are NO pictures on any of the walls. Hasn't been since we moved in...we couldn't decide on anything...how sad is that? Next place I move I am putting pictures on the walls ASAP.
So I could clean more since I am on this cleaning fix right now it might be wise to just go with it. Or I could drive to Mt. Rainier for the day and take some pictures...I think it's like a 1.5 or 2 hour drive each direction. So that would take up my whole day. I talked to Ben yesterday via text and he said he was given a couple extra days off...(I still don't know anything about his friends) so he may stay up at Whistler longer after his family leaves (no he didn't say I should come join him) but he wasn't sure if he wanted to do that so I said he was welcome to come stay here and I got a "Thanks" a couple hours later. So I highly doubt that is going to happen...but there is always that chance and I feel like that chance always happens on the days I either don't shower or I'm assuming don't clean the house. (I truly doubt he would come here...he will probably go home to be with Zeus or go stay with his parents or stay at Whistler but I'm assuming the first will happen) So I am just going to wait for him to text me since his texts are still short and not very informative or fun.
I also need to continue to apply for jobs...here and other places. Because no matter what in March I need to find a place to live and I NEED it to not be my dad's house. I will die if that happens...all social life...all independence... everything I have been trying to achieve in the last month will go out the window and it will be twice as hard to be alone on my own again. I mean this is no cake walk right now but that would be even worse! I wish this divorce would just hurry up so I could now what my financial situation is and just move on. Be able to plan father out. Because the biggest issue I'm facing is the where am I going to live and how am I going to pay for it...because I do have a job right now but it doesn't pay shit... soon I will need to find a new job but it's not as urgent as the place to live part and yet it's all tied together because I can't get a place to live without a new job.... see my life is one big shit circle. I wish they would just accept a cover letter and a resume and not make me give them those and then fill out everything on my resume in a questionnaire! I mean just pick one!!
Friday, December 25, 2015
Today was a good day
Today was a good day. I received $200 in cash from mom for Christmas and a pottery barn candle and $500 from Steve. Plus last night I got $400 from dad to go towards fixing up my car (primarily getting me breaks fixed) and a $25 gift card from Meridith. So my secret savings fund from gifts is getting pretty big... I have $1,220.00 saved up now. I was saving for a new camera lens...which I have enough for now...and before I would be rushing out to buy it...but it's kinda nice just having the money sitting there in case I need it.
It was also nice going to Aunt Lynette's house... where everything is good and everyone is just normal. I was concerned G&GW where going to be there and I would have to tell them about Joe and I but they decided not to come (why I don't know) but it took a TON of stress off of the night so that was awesome! And Alex was pretty fun and sociable tonight so that was fun too plus playing big family games is also fun :)
I need to branch out but I also need to make it a rule that if I do...that I always come home for Holidays. (Unless I have to trade off with my future husband's family) Oh my gosh I almost forgot... I mentioned yesterday to my mom that I may never want to get married again and my mom said she wants me to so I can have kids. She wants me to have kids. Most people are probably saying duh to this but my mom has never said that to me EVER.
Oh my gosh I can't even type about how that makes me feel I am soon tired right now from Christmas!!! But now I get to sleep in my sweats in my warm bed with my kitties and be happy.
It was also nice going to Aunt Lynette's house... where everything is good and everyone is just normal. I was concerned G&GW where going to be there and I would have to tell them about Joe and I but they decided not to come (why I don't know) but it took a TON of stress off of the night so that was awesome! And Alex was pretty fun and sociable tonight so that was fun too plus playing big family games is also fun :)
I need to branch out but I also need to make it a rule that if I do...that I always come home for Holidays. (Unless I have to trade off with my future husband's family) Oh my gosh I almost forgot... I mentioned yesterday to my mom that I may never want to get married again and my mom said she wants me to so I can have kids. She wants me to have kids. Most people are probably saying duh to this but my mom has never said that to me EVER.
Oh my gosh I can't even type about how that makes me feel I am soon tired right now from Christmas!!! But now I get to sleep in my sweats in my warm bed with my kitties and be happy.
Thursday, December 24, 2015
Christmas
Don't get me wrong I know what Christmas is about. And unfortunately he and I are also having kind of a rocky relationship right now... but I feel like the commercial aspect of Christmas is for couples. Going and getting a Christmas tree... couples. Sled riding and playing in the snow...couples. Listening to holiday music by the fire place...couples. Log cabins in the snow... couples. Everything is better when your in a couple. This is the first Christmas in 10 years that I am not a couple and now I am realizing why single people hate it so much. Everyone on facebook is either getting engaged or having a baby or showing pictures of them selves with their significant other being happy doing Christmas stuff... while I sit here all like "I'm getting divorced!" Yeah...you don't really announce that on facebook... don't really send out holiday cards with just your face on it saying your marriage fell apart because your husband cheated on you with some other married person at work but everyone there is cool with it. No instead you push it down...as deep as you can and you pretend to be happy like everyone else around you. Even though all you really want for Christmas is to be left alone.
The weird thing is though...every time I hear that all I want for Christmas is you song...I've never thought about Joe. In fact I don't think of him now. I've always thought of Ben...and I still do. Maybe part of the reason Joe fell out of love with me was because I was never fully, never truly in love with him. But instead just going through the motions of what I was "suppose to do". Did we both get caught up in the suppose to of life? Is that why now I am looking at doing everything i've never done like move away?
The weird thing is though...every time I hear that all I want for Christmas is you song...I've never thought about Joe. In fact I don't think of him now. I've always thought of Ben...and I still do. Maybe part of the reason Joe fell out of love with me was because I was never fully, never truly in love with him. But instead just going through the motions of what I was "suppose to do". Did we both get caught up in the suppose to of life? Is that why now I am looking at doing everything i've never done like move away?
Wednesday, December 23, 2015
My Brand
I've been feeling better the last couple days... I still haven't talked to Ben since Friday but I think this break is actually good for me. I think I was using Ben as my almost comfort blanket when shit went bad with Joe and looking to him for all my answers and now that I have had some space from him and some space from seeing and talking to Joe I actually feel kinda good... and dare I say it some times normal. I think I am figuring out what my "brand" is (can you tell I've been working on my photography business? lol) and I think I am starting to feel good about it. I think I feel a little better about what my look is and I know I feel great about going to the gym and all the healthy new recipes I have been cooking. So what is this Jilian Brand you ask?
1. Cooking and photographing it
2. Working out at the gym
3. Photographing whether for the business or just going out and taking pics for my self
4. Traveling whether it's an hour drive or a plane trip
5. My green bag and my free people clothes
6. My pottery barn and William and Sonoma stuff
7. Eating natural and growing my own food
8. My pets
9. Writing and learning/ trying new things
10. I like being with people but need to make sure I also keep my own personal space (ie: not living with my dad and sister even though it would be a money saver I think it would be a Jilian loser)
I am working on being confident again like I used to...not caring so much about finding "the one" but having fun with dating. I need to have fun again...I'm 28 years old and was living the life of a 40 year old because my husband was boring. I am Jilian Clair Winterfeld and I am starting life number two! And it's going to be fucking awesome. I have been applying to some jobs in Washington DC because the drive to Quantico is only an hour...the drive to Baltimore was only an hour or two and the flight to New York was like $98 one way which is totally do-able for a weekend trip. I have applied to Sirius Radio as a music director and another radio station as an afternoon DJ because well lets be honest I have the most experience in that industry and it sounds "cool". That and I can't say I'm moving to Washington DC for a receptionist job and what else do I know how to do? That's the sucky part about the job market these days everyone wants tons of experience for a job that pays crap. I don't get it. But while I am there I can then work on my photography thing and maybe even try to do some traveling for it. I still need to talk to WGU about the masters in teaching...I am wondering if I have to stay in WA for that or if I could go some place? The only catch to that now is the 3 months of student teaching without pay...not sure how I'm going to do that unless 1. I save a bunch of money to survive on or 2. I live with my dad until I finish my masters...meh
1. Cooking and photographing it
2. Working out at the gym
3. Photographing whether for the business or just going out and taking pics for my self
4. Traveling whether it's an hour drive or a plane trip
5. My green bag and my free people clothes
6. My pottery barn and William and Sonoma stuff
7. Eating natural and growing my own food
8. My pets
9. Writing and learning/ trying new things
10. I like being with people but need to make sure I also keep my own personal space (ie: not living with my dad and sister even though it would be a money saver I think it would be a Jilian loser)
I am working on being confident again like I used to...not caring so much about finding "the one" but having fun with dating. I need to have fun again...I'm 28 years old and was living the life of a 40 year old because my husband was boring. I am Jilian Clair Winterfeld and I am starting life number two! And it's going to be fucking awesome. I have been applying to some jobs in Washington DC because the drive to Quantico is only an hour...the drive to Baltimore was only an hour or two and the flight to New York was like $98 one way which is totally do-able for a weekend trip. I have applied to Sirius Radio as a music director and another radio station as an afternoon DJ because well lets be honest I have the most experience in that industry and it sounds "cool". That and I can't say I'm moving to Washington DC for a receptionist job and what else do I know how to do? That's the sucky part about the job market these days everyone wants tons of experience for a job that pays crap. I don't get it. But while I am there I can then work on my photography thing and maybe even try to do some traveling for it. I still need to talk to WGU about the masters in teaching...I am wondering if I have to stay in WA for that or if I could go some place? The only catch to that now is the 3 months of student teaching without pay...not sure how I'm going to do that unless 1. I save a bunch of money to survive on or 2. I live with my dad until I finish my masters...meh
Monday, December 21, 2015
13 years
I was looking at some old photos and text conversations the other night and I realized that I have loved this man for 13 years...we have had a great relationship via text and phone calls because there was no action needed. We never had to fulfill our promises or make our dreams happen. We didn't need to count on each other then the listening ear. We could portray who we wanted the other to think we were. So yes we have been friends for 13 years...but have we really been friends? Can you take a couple hours once or twice a year and actually call that a friendship? Could a relationship actually build from that? Or was it easier to say we wanted something that we couldn't have...and now that we can are we too scared to try it or have we decided that we only wanted it because it was out of reach?
He is 32 and has lived his life on his own doing what he wanted to do. He moves depending on where the Marines send him. He has bachelor furniture and bachelor lifestyle. I am 28 and have lived the last 10 years of my life with a partner. I have made a commitment and bought the forever home and furniture. Part of me doesn't think those two worlds can come together...and yet part of me wants them to. I am in love with the guy I have been talking to via text message and phone calls...that is the man I want to be with...I'm just not sure if that man is the same man that I meet in person.
He is 32 and has lived his life on his own doing what he wanted to do. He moves depending on where the Marines send him. He has bachelor furniture and bachelor lifestyle. I am 28 and have lived the last 10 years of my life with a partner. I have made a commitment and bought the forever home and furniture. Part of me doesn't think those two worlds can come together...and yet part of me wants them to. I am in love with the guy I have been talking to via text message and phone calls...that is the man I want to be with...I'm just not sure if that man is the same man that I meet in person.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
He is Right
Alright Ben is right I need some time to deal with my shit before I get involved with another guy. I need to be ok by myself instead of trying to find a guy to plug into my life to replace Joe because maybe that life I was living with Joe isn't what I really want...maybe I want something else...I don't know I haven't been able to experience much so now is my change to experience everything! I still want to move some place and if that is the Virginia or DC area then that would work because I would still have till the end of the summer till he moves there and then when I am ready he is there as an option but there are a lot of very well off or working on it guys that live in DC plus the military guys so...I think that could work. I went out and explore Snoqualmie Pass on my own today and that's what I need to do...thats what I did when I was at the cabin for the summer...when I was at WSU by my self and when I lived in Spokane before Joe came. I need to start being more independent and not be scared about it. I need to not be scared to do what I want. This is my time!
Friday, December 18, 2015
Dying
So I litterly thought today was going to be the day...the day I died. I have never been in so much pain before...yes my periods when I was younger were pretty killer but I could take some booze and fall asleep and when I woke it would be over. Not this. This Blatter infection was the worst because I couldn't take anything or do anything to stop the pain...it just kept getting worse and worse to the point that when I got to the doctor's office I asked if instead of waiting in the waiting room if I could wait in the bathroom. I was in the bathroom yelling "Fuck" and "shit" and "oh god" every time a small drop of pee came out. And then when I went to the QFC pharmacy guess who helped me with my pills... a girl named Ginger (who I have never met but heard my last name) and asked are you Joe's wife? I said yeah thinking she was looking at my insurance card or something and then she continued to say she went to high school with him and was a year older...Greeeeeeat! Just one more reason why I need to move some place that isn't here. I can't keep having this Joe or this old life shit around me...it isn't healthy. And when it comes down to it I can and I believe I can take care of my self. I had to deal with the car accident by myself, I flew to South Carolina and back by myself and I am dealing with my extremely painful pee by myself.
Wow I just re-read that last sentence and have decided that my life should be made into a book or a movie or something. I mean you really can't make this shit up... Let's take a look...
Beginning of October- Aunt is in hospital dying of cancer...come home from hospital to find out that husband is cheating on you...move home to your dad's house but decide to try counseling so move back in to home. Hate the marriage counselors so start to meet with pastor. Your Aunt dies of Cancer. Go on trip to Portland and find out your husband has been cheating on you for a while and he wants a divorce. That week you kick him out of the house throw all his shit in a pile and at Thanksgiving you have to tell everyone. Then go to your aunts funeral and tell the rest of the people about the divorce. Then have car insurance company say fuck you. File for divorce with the courts. Then get into a car accident with a possible murder who doesn't have insurance or a valid drivers license so now you have to pay for the car repairs. Buy shit on your now separated husband's amazon account. Fly to Charleston to stay with a guy who you have been in love with since your freshman year of high school. Have a weird week because the expectations where weird and you found out information on the guy you didn't know which kinda breaks your heart and you don't do any of the fun stuff he had promised you because the trip ends abruptly and early because two of his friends got into an accident and will probably die. So he puts you up in a hotel room by your self while he drives 5 hours to be with his dying friends. Fly home from Charleston and realize when you get home you have a blatter infection. Schedule a doctors appointment for the next day only to realize it's too late and you are pretty sure your going to die on the toilet. And I just found out that to change my flight instead of and extra $16 like I thought...it turns out it was an extra $216. Now the middle of December.
Yes that has been my life in the last 3 months. Fuck me.
Wow I just re-read that last sentence and have decided that my life should be made into a book or a movie or something. I mean you really can't make this shit up... Let's take a look...
Beginning of October- Aunt is in hospital dying of cancer...come home from hospital to find out that husband is cheating on you...move home to your dad's house but decide to try counseling so move back in to home. Hate the marriage counselors so start to meet with pastor. Your Aunt dies of Cancer. Go on trip to Portland and find out your husband has been cheating on you for a while and he wants a divorce. That week you kick him out of the house throw all his shit in a pile and at Thanksgiving you have to tell everyone. Then go to your aunts funeral and tell the rest of the people about the divorce. Then have car insurance company say fuck you. File for divorce with the courts. Then get into a car accident with a possible murder who doesn't have insurance or a valid drivers license so now you have to pay for the car repairs. Buy shit on your now separated husband's amazon account. Fly to Charleston to stay with a guy who you have been in love with since your freshman year of high school. Have a weird week because the expectations where weird and you found out information on the guy you didn't know which kinda breaks your heart and you don't do any of the fun stuff he had promised you because the trip ends abruptly and early because two of his friends got into an accident and will probably die. So he puts you up in a hotel room by your self while he drives 5 hours to be with his dying friends. Fly home from Charleston and realize when you get home you have a blatter infection. Schedule a doctors appointment for the next day only to realize it's too late and you are pretty sure your going to die on the toilet. And I just found out that to change my flight instead of and extra $16 like I thought...it turns out it was an extra $216. Now the middle of December.
Yes that has been my life in the last 3 months. Fuck me.
What I want to say to him
How many women did you almost or actually proposed to? Why didn't you? I almost called off my wedding... Because I was in love with you...you were the one calming me down...you where the one making me happy...you where asking me to come visit you... hell we even talked about you at my bachelorette party! I had stupid daydreams that you would fly up here and tell me to cancel it because you loved me and I should be with you.
I grew up doing what was expected of me I went to college like I was supposed to I majored in what I was supposed to I took the job I was supposed to I dated the guy was supposed to and married the guy that I was supposed to... Yes three weeks ago I was fighting to keep my marriage together I was fighting to keep my marriage together because I thought that's what I was supposed to do because I promised my dad that I would try everything I could to make it work. The day I found out he was cheating on me I knew it was over deep down I always knew it was over that day. But yeah I was scared of losing my house I was scared of losing everything that I had built for life I was scared to start over so I tried to save what I had... Out of fear and not out of love. I almost ended it at least 20 times during those couple months but my dad kept telling me not to that is why I was trying to keep it together for so long.
I'm 28 and divorced I'm done doing the things that I'm supposed to and going to start doing the things that I want to. And if that pisses people off in the process in the process then oh well. I'm gonna take chances and I'm probably going to make mistakes and fail hard but I'm not gonna regret doing it. I love you and I always have I always wanted to be with you... And I've never gotten the chance because there's always been a reason and excuse for it not to work and to be completely honest I am absolutely done with excuses I'm done with thing standing in my way in three months I'm not gonna have a place to live I'm trying to find a new job... You're right I don't have very many friends here so other than my family I have nothing holding me in Washington to be completely honest I can go and do anything that I want because I have nobody to be accountable for I have nobody else's thoughts to play into it so.... Why would when you move to Virginia be a bad time? You're getting a fresh start I couldn't I could actually move there and have a fresh start and we could see if this is something and if it's not then I'll move and if it is then I'll stay. But I guess maybe guess question is why not? And if that's what you want.
You say you love me...what does that mean to you though? What kind of love is it? Is it I love you as a really good friend because we have known each other for so long? Or is it I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you? Because my I love you's mean that I care about you...I don't want you to be with anyone else...I want to live with you and be with you and commit to you...I want you to meet my family and I want to meet yours. It means that when you talk about other women my heart hurts. When you disappear my heart hurts. It means that I fear for your well being and want to do everything in my power to make you happy. I want to be the person you run to when your having a bad day...I want to be the first person you want to tell when you are having a good day... I want you to miss me and to be excited to see me... when you let your head wonder...I want it to wonder to me.
I know I seemed timid and scared this last week with you and it's not because I am timid and scared it's because every time I see you I want to be everything that you want me to be because I like you I want you to like me and I'm afraid I'm gonna say something stupid or do something wrong and you're gonna disappear again... your going to decide you don't actually like me. It's because every time I look into your eyes I melt...I forget everything I am going to say and just...melt. And I love that feeling...I love the feeling of being in your arms...the feeling of our lips on my skin... and I wish I could just bottle it up so I can have it all the time...so I can have it on those lonely nights...
You are a pretty strong aggressive guy and I love it I'm just not used to it in person because we really don't see each other that often. And I think that if we see each other on a more regular basis I obviously would be more normal and I think it would be great I mean the fact that we can have pretty much an entire relationship for several years based simply on text and phone call conversations I think that says something. At least it does to me... I could be completely off in left field because I don't necessarily know what you're thinking. And I wish I did I wish I knew more I wish you wouldn't compartmentalize things I know you say that I know a lot more than most people but the thing is is I want to know everything. Because knowing everything helps me to understand you better understand why you do the things you do and say the things you do I want to know you and if we are thinking about dating then now is the best time to open up and share everything and be vulnerable. Something I'm not very good at being.
I grew up doing what was expected of me I went to college like I was supposed to I majored in what I was supposed to I took the job I was supposed to I dated the guy was supposed to and married the guy that I was supposed to... Yes three weeks ago I was fighting to keep my marriage together I was fighting to keep my marriage together because I thought that's what I was supposed to do because I promised my dad that I would try everything I could to make it work. The day I found out he was cheating on me I knew it was over deep down I always knew it was over that day. But yeah I was scared of losing my house I was scared of losing everything that I had built for life I was scared to start over so I tried to save what I had... Out of fear and not out of love. I almost ended it at least 20 times during those couple months but my dad kept telling me not to that is why I was trying to keep it together for so long.
I'm 28 and divorced I'm done doing the things that I'm supposed to and going to start doing the things that I want to. And if that pisses people off in the process in the process then oh well. I'm gonna take chances and I'm probably going to make mistakes and fail hard but I'm not gonna regret doing it. I love you and I always have I always wanted to be with you... And I've never gotten the chance because there's always been a reason and excuse for it not to work and to be completely honest I am absolutely done with excuses I'm done with thing standing in my way in three months I'm not gonna have a place to live I'm trying to find a new job... You're right I don't have very many friends here so other than my family I have nothing holding me in Washington to be completely honest I can go and do anything that I want because I have nobody to be accountable for I have nobody else's thoughts to play into it so.... Why would when you move to Virginia be a bad time? You're getting a fresh start I couldn't I could actually move there and have a fresh start and we could see if this is something and if it's not then I'll move and if it is then I'll stay. But I guess maybe guess question is why not? And if that's what you want.
You say you love me...what does that mean to you though? What kind of love is it? Is it I love you as a really good friend because we have known each other for so long? Or is it I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you? Because my I love you's mean that I care about you...I don't want you to be with anyone else...I want to live with you and be with you and commit to you...I want you to meet my family and I want to meet yours. It means that when you talk about other women my heart hurts. When you disappear my heart hurts. It means that I fear for your well being and want to do everything in my power to make you happy. I want to be the person you run to when your having a bad day...I want to be the first person you want to tell when you are having a good day... I want you to miss me and to be excited to see me... when you let your head wonder...I want it to wonder to me.
I know I seemed timid and scared this last week with you and it's not because I am timid and scared it's because every time I see you I want to be everything that you want me to be because I like you I want you to like me and I'm afraid I'm gonna say something stupid or do something wrong and you're gonna disappear again... your going to decide you don't actually like me. It's because every time I look into your eyes I melt...I forget everything I am going to say and just...melt. And I love that feeling...I love the feeling of being in your arms...the feeling of our lips on my skin... and I wish I could just bottle it up so I can have it all the time...so I can have it on those lonely nights...
You are a pretty strong aggressive guy and I love it I'm just not used to it in person because we really don't see each other that often. And I think that if we see each other on a more regular basis I obviously would be more normal and I think it would be great I mean the fact that we can have pretty much an entire relationship for several years based simply on text and phone call conversations I think that says something. At least it does to me... I could be completely off in left field because I don't necessarily know what you're thinking. And I wish I did I wish I knew more I wish you wouldn't compartmentalize things I know you say that I know a lot more than most people but the thing is is I want to know everything. Because knowing everything helps me to understand you better understand why you do the things you do and say the things you do I want to know you and if we are thinking about dating then now is the best time to open up and share everything and be vulnerable. Something I'm not very good at being.
Thursday, December 17, 2015
Moving
I'm thinking about moving... for two reasons.
1. because everything in Washington reminds me of Joe (as soon as I could see the city from the plane I instantly felt like shit again and the pressure from everyone around me started in)
2. Because if Ben actually thinks it might work between us then now would be the best time to try.
Because lets look a the situation...I need to find a new job. I need to find a new place to live. Yes my family lives here but other then that I don't have any friends so nothing is actually holding me here. I am single and starting fresh and what makes more since then starting fresh some place that doesn't remind you of your ex? The real scary thing would be that fact I would be forced to either make new friends or I would be living a very lonely life. But if it doesn't work out say give it a year or so I could always move back. But at least I could say I tried and gave it a shot. And I feel like that would be true of just a scenery change and the taking a chance with Ben...I mean what do I have to lose? Yes is he a good friend? Ya. Could he be better? Ya. If it didn't work out with him would I still be able to be his friend...probably not. Do I want to continue having him as a friend that I am in love with and spend forever wondering what if... no. So I have to do this.
I kinda asked him about us and he said that right now isn't a good time with me dealing with the whole divorce thing and then with him moving to Virginia this summer. But I feel like those are yes good concerns but at the same time I also feel like those are total shit answers. Then when I told him that I loved him and that I want more...or would like/hope for more....he said he loves me too and that has crossed him mind too. So that's good that he loves me and that it has crossed him mind but what does crossed his mind mean? Like once or twice it popped up for yeah he would like that too? And is it only a crossed my mind thing because I was acting crazy this week instead of just being me? I really wish I could take back this last week and do a do-over.
I told him that with anyone even Vicky when I haven't seen people in a while it takes me some time to warm back up to them...and he thought that was weird and that I should talk to my counsellors about it. I don't him I went to them for marriage shit but am not seeing anyone now. And then today my dad called me and suggested I go to a counsellor to help me get over my divorce. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I NEED HELP?!? Am I acting weirder then everyone else does when their 10 year relationship ends in cheating? Like yes I do talk about it a lot but other then that I think I am handling this all pretty well. Am I a little broken and have self esteem issues now and am unsure about how to move forward with my life...yes but a big part of that is because I am living in the ghost of my old life right now! I am living in our house...cleaning out all his stuff from it...working at the same shitty job that I only took because he told me to... and still seeing him/talking to him often to give him his crap or get shit figured out with attorneys. So yes is it a little hard to wipe my hands clean and move on all nicely right now...Yes. Hence the idea to move and be in a fresh place with a fresh home and a fresh job and a fresh start where no one knows him, nothing reminds me of him, and I can just be Jilian.
Vicky is even going to be leaving here soon because their 3 year tour is almost over and she said I should wait till they find out where they are going and then move to where ever they are going...which I could do as well. That's the thing...I can go where ever I want as long as I can afford a place to live and get a job. I don't have to cater to anyone or ask anyone else's opinions...I can just do it. And as I write this am I getting scared...absolutely. I am realizing that in my entire life besides WSU I have never just done anything on my own. But I did WSU. I did that on my own. I got a roommate and from that branched with her to get more friends and I was fine. So that's what I need to do. I need to figure out where I want to go...figure out the whole job thing and then I should get a roommate so I have an instant person to do some stuff with. I need to find someplace safe and someplace where there would be a lot of people my age...Vicky would need to be near an army base and Ben will be near a Marine base which both have big options for single guys I would think...or I would need to be in a major city...where the nightlife is good and there are things to do and places to eat. Being single in a suburb would be stupid because like where I live now there are no people. I mean once you have friends established then that's different or until you got a guy you are living with but if I am single I need to be some place near people and things going on.
I think I can do this... I think I will be ok. So now I just have to figure out Ben's whole thing and then Vicky's and then I can figure out where to go.
1. because everything in Washington reminds me of Joe (as soon as I could see the city from the plane I instantly felt like shit again and the pressure from everyone around me started in)
2. Because if Ben actually thinks it might work between us then now would be the best time to try.
Because lets look a the situation...I need to find a new job. I need to find a new place to live. Yes my family lives here but other then that I don't have any friends so nothing is actually holding me here. I am single and starting fresh and what makes more since then starting fresh some place that doesn't remind you of your ex? The real scary thing would be that fact I would be forced to either make new friends or I would be living a very lonely life. But if it doesn't work out say give it a year or so I could always move back. But at least I could say I tried and gave it a shot. And I feel like that would be true of just a scenery change and the taking a chance with Ben...I mean what do I have to lose? Yes is he a good friend? Ya. Could he be better? Ya. If it didn't work out with him would I still be able to be his friend...probably not. Do I want to continue having him as a friend that I am in love with and spend forever wondering what if... no. So I have to do this.
I kinda asked him about us and he said that right now isn't a good time with me dealing with the whole divorce thing and then with him moving to Virginia this summer. But I feel like those are yes good concerns but at the same time I also feel like those are total shit answers. Then when I told him that I loved him and that I want more...or would like/hope for more....he said he loves me too and that has crossed him mind too. So that's good that he loves me and that it has crossed him mind but what does crossed his mind mean? Like once or twice it popped up for yeah he would like that too? And is it only a crossed my mind thing because I was acting crazy this week instead of just being me? I really wish I could take back this last week and do a do-over.
I told him that with anyone even Vicky when I haven't seen people in a while it takes me some time to warm back up to them...and he thought that was weird and that I should talk to my counsellors about it. I don't him I went to them for marriage shit but am not seeing anyone now. And then today my dad called me and suggested I go to a counsellor to help me get over my divorce. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I NEED HELP?!? Am I acting weirder then everyone else does when their 10 year relationship ends in cheating? Like yes I do talk about it a lot but other then that I think I am handling this all pretty well. Am I a little broken and have self esteem issues now and am unsure about how to move forward with my life...yes but a big part of that is because I am living in the ghost of my old life right now! I am living in our house...cleaning out all his stuff from it...working at the same shitty job that I only took because he told me to... and still seeing him/talking to him often to give him his crap or get shit figured out with attorneys. So yes is it a little hard to wipe my hands clean and move on all nicely right now...Yes. Hence the idea to move and be in a fresh place with a fresh home and a fresh job and a fresh start where no one knows him, nothing reminds me of him, and I can just be Jilian.
Vicky is even going to be leaving here soon because their 3 year tour is almost over and she said I should wait till they find out where they are going and then move to where ever they are going...which I could do as well. That's the thing...I can go where ever I want as long as I can afford a place to live and get a job. I don't have to cater to anyone or ask anyone else's opinions...I can just do it. And as I write this am I getting scared...absolutely. I am realizing that in my entire life besides WSU I have never just done anything on my own. But I did WSU. I did that on my own. I got a roommate and from that branched with her to get more friends and I was fine. So that's what I need to do. I need to figure out where I want to go...figure out the whole job thing and then I should get a roommate so I have an instant person to do some stuff with. I need to find someplace safe and someplace where there would be a lot of people my age...Vicky would need to be near an army base and Ben will be near a Marine base which both have big options for single guys I would think...or I would need to be in a major city...where the nightlife is good and there are things to do and places to eat. Being single in a suburb would be stupid because like where I live now there are no people. I mean once you have friends established then that's different or until you got a guy you are living with but if I am single I need to be some place near people and things going on.
I think I can do this... I think I will be ok. So now I just have to figure out Ben's whole thing and then Vicky's and then I can figure out where to go.
On the Plane
Questions to ask Ben:
1. How long was the relationship?
2. Did you live together?
3. Did you purpose?
4. What was her transition?
5. Why did it end?
6. Why did you never mention you where in such a serous relationship?
I'm not sure what I am suppose to do. The week didn't go the way I had in visioned it and yet I still want him... Why? He had to leave again like always... And yet I'm still being understanding... Why?
1. CA- his aunt had something after we went to Disneyland (2010ish)
2. Seattle- his unit called him back early (2009ish)
3. South Carolina- friends injured (2015)
4. Florida- he got in a car accident on the way down to visit me (2014)
And the last couple times I have seen him, he has just done his errands... In Seattle I took him to pick up his car and watch him pack... South Carolina he did something with his car and his doctors appointment. Before he took me to Disneyland... Rented a hotel and did a 3D movie... So why the change? In high school he didn't like PDA... But a trip to ca after I got married he wanted to hold my hand everywhere and now this trip he didn't hold it at all. So ya when he says I'm ski-dish it's because I never know what I'm going to get with him... And he talked a big game on text about holding me and kissing me all night... He didn't even kiss me good night. We usually fall asleep in each other's arms and he didn't even try... He aloud me to do it but no initiation on his part. And he was on the phone texting people the entire day! I mean talk about rude! We don't get to see each other very often and yet he is on his phone. Yes I agree I wasn't talking and was quiet and boring but at the same time we weren't doing anything worth talking about. I guess I was feeling like I was an inconvenience to him... Like he didn't like me or want me. But then at the end he was telling me he loves me and has thought about a relationship with me...? Is that trie? Does he still want one after this week?
As far as I'm concerned if we both love each other and want to be together and now the only thing stopping us is distance... Then fuck that. Distance should not be a thing. Granted we need to talk more about what we expect and we need to visit each other more often so we can figure this shit out... So we can both be normal. Plus if this is going to be a thing I'm the one who will be risking the most since I would have to move to him. Would it be challenging at first... Yes... Could it be worth it? Could it be what we both need? Could it be a crazy beautiful wonderful thing? Could it be a huge mistake? Yes.
And if we didn't work out as a couple then this would all be over. Our 13 year "relationship" would be over since I'm not sure what you would actually call it. Because I can't hear about his relationships with other women with out it crushing my heart... I can't have him around me if I can't have him... And maybe that's why I always kept him around... Because deep down I knew joe and I wouldn't work out and that I've always loved Ben and that I always will wether I want to or not.
Is this a guy I want to be with? Or is this just a really looooong high school crush? I mean his secrecy and his texting will kill me if that continues. I know that. And is that part of the bad boy appeal? That I feel like because he compartmentalizes everything and never tells any one person the whole story... that I might be that one person...that one person that he trusts with all of his secrets...? But honestly do I want to know all his secrets? I mean I just found out that he in 2012 was with a girl that he was "thinking" about getting engaged to and out her on his USAA account as a "fiancé" to "help her transition" and that just about broke my heart! Why? That was 3 years ago and I got engaged to Joe that year and got married the next year. And as I'm writing this I just realized that during that 6 months prior to my wedding he was trying to get me to call it off...was that because his relationship ended and I was his rebound... like he was saying this week was a rebound week for me? I was talking to him about my future wedding at the time and he was telling me his thoughts on what he would want in a wedding... was he talking about what he wanted...just re-saying what his girlfriend that I didn't even know existed was saying to him or was he just saying what he thought I wanted to hear? How did I never know that he was serous with some one like that? How did he never mention he was going on a date or that...I don't know... I guess it's not how did he...the question is why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he mention it? And can he be faithful to me? That's the another HUGE question... And then the kids thing. I mean the argue for faithfulness is a question for everyone and can never really be answered. I don't know... I see signs for both... Something always makes him need to leave when we are together for longer then a couple hours... Yet every time we have issues we always come back to each other... After 13 years... Why? Why does our time get cut and why do we keep coming back? We are completely different people and yet we love each other... Why?
Why is any of this happening? What is suppose to happen? I feel like there has to be some good that is suppose to come out of all of this... That all this bad can't be for nothing... The cheating... The divorce... The car accident... Not doing what I thought in SC.... Ben's friend getting injured... Me having to leave early... There has to be a plan. This all has to have a reason. Otherwise I give up.
I am trying to be strong I am trying to be me... But I need to change things so I can be me... I need a new job... I need a new place to live... I need new clothes... I need new friends... I need new activities... I need a new place... I need a new life.
And I think I got part of that this week in Charleston... It was about Ben and I not joe and I for the first time in...we'll a long time. I was free to wonder about Ben and I... I was even though tagging along... Seeing what his life is. Is it very single bachelor-ness? Yes but that's ok unless that's the life he always wants. And I guess I need to keep that option open and not let myself try to conform with him.
But who am I? Who is Jilian without Joe? The last time I was this Jilian I was 17 and just graduated from high school. Now I am 28 and in the real world.... I travel (wether by myself or with other people I travel) I like wearing clothes that show off a little more and that are more hippie... I like to grow my own food and Cook recipes with them... I like to photograph my food that I cook and I like to photograph where I go. I love animals and would do anything to protect animals. I like to do outdoor activities like hike, camp, and sports like soccer and football. I like to talk and I care very strongly for the important people in my life. I am very picky when it comes to people in my life and I like nice things. I am a strong woman who knows what she likes and doesn't like who is willing to try everything at least once. I need to stop being timid and afraid and be me. I am pretty...I am smart...I am Jilian and no one can change that or take that away from me.
1. How long was the relationship?
2. Did you live together?
3. Did you purpose?
4. What was her transition?
5. Why did it end?
6. Why did you never mention you where in such a serous relationship?
I'm not sure what I am suppose to do. The week didn't go the way I had in visioned it and yet I still want him... Why? He had to leave again like always... And yet I'm still being understanding... Why?
1. CA- his aunt had something after we went to Disneyland (2010ish)
2. Seattle- his unit called him back early (2009ish)
3. South Carolina- friends injured (2015)
4. Florida- he got in a car accident on the way down to visit me (2014)
And the last couple times I have seen him, he has just done his errands... In Seattle I took him to pick up his car and watch him pack... South Carolina he did something with his car and his doctors appointment. Before he took me to Disneyland... Rented a hotel and did a 3D movie... So why the change? In high school he didn't like PDA... But a trip to ca after I got married he wanted to hold my hand everywhere and now this trip he didn't hold it at all. So ya when he says I'm ski-dish it's because I never know what I'm going to get with him... And he talked a big game on text about holding me and kissing me all night... He didn't even kiss me good night. We usually fall asleep in each other's arms and he didn't even try... He aloud me to do it but no initiation on his part. And he was on the phone texting people the entire day! I mean talk about rude! We don't get to see each other very often and yet he is on his phone. Yes I agree I wasn't talking and was quiet and boring but at the same time we weren't doing anything worth talking about. I guess I was feeling like I was an inconvenience to him... Like he didn't like me or want me. But then at the end he was telling me he loves me and has thought about a relationship with me...? Is that trie? Does he still want one after this week?
As far as I'm concerned if we both love each other and want to be together and now the only thing stopping us is distance... Then fuck that. Distance should not be a thing. Granted we need to talk more about what we expect and we need to visit each other more often so we can figure this shit out... So we can both be normal. Plus if this is going to be a thing I'm the one who will be risking the most since I would have to move to him. Would it be challenging at first... Yes... Could it be worth it? Could it be what we both need? Could it be a crazy beautiful wonderful thing? Could it be a huge mistake? Yes.
And if we didn't work out as a couple then this would all be over. Our 13 year "relationship" would be over since I'm not sure what you would actually call it. Because I can't hear about his relationships with other women with out it crushing my heart... I can't have him around me if I can't have him... And maybe that's why I always kept him around... Because deep down I knew joe and I wouldn't work out and that I've always loved Ben and that I always will wether I want to or not.
Is this a guy I want to be with? Or is this just a really looooong high school crush? I mean his secrecy and his texting will kill me if that continues. I know that. And is that part of the bad boy appeal? That I feel like because he compartmentalizes everything and never tells any one person the whole story... that I might be that one person...that one person that he trusts with all of his secrets...? But honestly do I want to know all his secrets? I mean I just found out that he in 2012 was with a girl that he was "thinking" about getting engaged to and out her on his USAA account as a "fiancé" to "help her transition" and that just about broke my heart! Why? That was 3 years ago and I got engaged to Joe that year and got married the next year. And as I'm writing this I just realized that during that 6 months prior to my wedding he was trying to get me to call it off...was that because his relationship ended and I was his rebound... like he was saying this week was a rebound week for me? I was talking to him about my future wedding at the time and he was telling me his thoughts on what he would want in a wedding... was he talking about what he wanted...just re-saying what his girlfriend that I didn't even know existed was saying to him or was he just saying what he thought I wanted to hear? How did I never know that he was serous with some one like that? How did he never mention he was going on a date or that...I don't know... I guess it's not how did he...the question is why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he mention it? And can he be faithful to me? That's the another HUGE question... And then the kids thing. I mean the argue for faithfulness is a question for everyone and can never really be answered. I don't know... I see signs for both... Something always makes him need to leave when we are together for longer then a couple hours... Yet every time we have issues we always come back to each other... After 13 years... Why? Why does our time get cut and why do we keep coming back? We are completely different people and yet we love each other... Why?
Why is any of this happening? What is suppose to happen? I feel like there has to be some good that is suppose to come out of all of this... That all this bad can't be for nothing... The cheating... The divorce... The car accident... Not doing what I thought in SC.... Ben's friend getting injured... Me having to leave early... There has to be a plan. This all has to have a reason. Otherwise I give up.
I am trying to be strong I am trying to be me... But I need to change things so I can be me... I need a new job... I need a new place to live... I need new clothes... I need new friends... I need new activities... I need a new place... I need a new life.
And I think I got part of that this week in Charleston... It was about Ben and I not joe and I for the first time in...we'll a long time. I was free to wonder about Ben and I... I was even though tagging along... Seeing what his life is. Is it very single bachelor-ness? Yes but that's ok unless that's the life he always wants. And I guess I need to keep that option open and not let myself try to conform with him.
But who am I? Who is Jilian without Joe? The last time I was this Jilian I was 17 and just graduated from high school. Now I am 28 and in the real world.... I travel (wether by myself or with other people I travel) I like wearing clothes that show off a little more and that are more hippie... I like to grow my own food and Cook recipes with them... I like to photograph my food that I cook and I like to photograph where I go. I love animals and would do anything to protect animals. I like to do outdoor activities like hike, camp, and sports like soccer and football. I like to talk and I care very strongly for the important people in my life. I am very picky when it comes to people in my life and I like nice things. I am a strong woman who knows what she likes and doesn't like who is willing to try everything at least once. I need to stop being timid and afraid and be me. I am pretty...I am smart...I am Jilian and no one can change that or take that away from me.
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Clothes
Now that I am single again I need new clothes...but there is nothing to buy!! I was talking with Ben and he said that appropriate cleavage is good and since my legs are a great asset I should show them off. He also said that he LOVES heels. Well shit. I can't really wear heels because they hurt my feet and are bad for your knees...and I hate showing cleavage because it makes me uncomfortable and HELLO I live in Washington where is is way too cold to be showing off legs or anything! And that isn't taking into account they don't sell any of that crap here! It's all plaid and Ponchos. Oh and he said he likes dresses too... fuck me. And I say that because I know what Ben likes is what most guys like...so I need to continue to lose weight so I can look good in that stuff and I guess once a week take a trip to the mall to look at clothes? I don't know! I am down to 156lbs so that is freaking awesome only 16 more pounds to go! Ugh... It was easy with Joe well because he didn't care and because he was into the whole mountain man thing with is easy here because thats what it is but most guys want to sexy cali look and well I've never had that look first of all and second of all you can't find that in the evergreen state. Soon maybe when I lose a little more weight I make a trip down to Cali and buy clothes lol I just don't get it...I mean I do see girls in some pretty cute outfits but I have NO idea where they are finding them...obviously not at the same mall I'm at. And now I am freaking out because I leave to see Ben for 5 days yes that is 5+ outfits I need to come up with. And it's in the low 70's there which makes it even harder because it's in the 40's here. I don't have any warm weather clothes!! And they sure as hell aren't selling any here right now. Plus what do people wear out on dates or at the bars anymore??? I am so out of the loop on everything!! Oh and did I mention Ben is also a shoe guy...what the fuck? He is more into women's fashion then I am!!
I literally hate pretty much everything I own. I want to throw it all away and start over...I just with there was something I could start over with!! Ok so for outfits I have 1. a green button up with jeans (not sure about shoes) 2. green stripped dress with a jean shirt over it with flip flops 3. black zip up coat and jeans with sneakers (for the plane) 4. blue t-shirt with either jeans or a jean skirt 5. My poker dot work dress with white heels (because that is the nicest dress I have...not what I want to wear to a nice dinner though)
And of course with Christmas just around the corner now is the WORST time to go to the freaking mall. I walked around south center yesterday for like 2 hours and all I bought was some new perfume because Fuck the perfume Joe liked.
I think I liked only seeing Ben for a couple hours at a time better because I only needed one good outfit... 5 outfits is suicide.
I literally hate pretty much everything I own. I want to throw it all away and start over...I just with there was something I could start over with!! Ok so for outfits I have 1. a green button up with jeans (not sure about shoes) 2. green stripped dress with a jean shirt over it with flip flops 3. black zip up coat and jeans with sneakers (for the plane) 4. blue t-shirt with either jeans or a jean skirt 5. My poker dot work dress with white heels (because that is the nicest dress I have...not what I want to wear to a nice dinner though)
And of course with Christmas just around the corner now is the WORST time to go to the freaking mall. I walked around south center yesterday for like 2 hours and all I bought was some new perfume because Fuck the perfume Joe liked.
I think I liked only seeing Ben for a couple hours at a time better because I only needed one good outfit... 5 outfits is suicide.
Friday, December 11, 2015
No shits given
So apparently Joe doesn't give a shit about me...I think his exact words where "It's your life not mine". Wow talk about douche! But when I asked him if he was seeing anyone he said no...he said he is enjoying just being him for now. He then told me how he bought a new coat and is going to go snowmobile on Monday. He then asked me making sure I knew that he didn't care and I said kinda...and he goes what's his name....and I said why you don't care. So then he told me how he is going to drive to and from Wisconsin for Christmas by himself in the escape. Talk about an idiot! He then asked if the guy was in the military and I said I didn't think you cared. And then he told me how his attorney charges like some $200 and hour and I said mine costs more then that...which she does. He then asked if he was a marine and I said why? And he said because he hates marines. So obviously he thinks it's Ben and obviously that bothers him. But then he said that he is talking to Amanda at work because she doesn't work at the office anymore but still works for NGAW. And I was like REALLY?!? And he was like it's work stuff only and there are other people on the emails. Bitch it doesn't matter who is on the emails in fact that makes it WAY worse!! Because everyone at his work knows he was cheating on me with her! He is so going to fuck him self over...and I'm just going to be sitting here saying..."I told you so". But the main thing I got out of tonight is that he hasn't cared what happened to me for a very long time. So today...December 11, 2005 I no longer care what happens to Joe. He could fall off the face of the earth and I wouldn't care less. In fact that would make my life soon much easier! In fact I told him tonight that I had lost 13lbs and he didn't say anything other then "did I tell you my time for that race?" So in return I didn't give him a good job or thats great either.
So now that Joe is dead in my life. Now I get to focus on me. And these are in NO order...
1. Get back into great shape
2. Eat healthy
3. A. Get that Masters degree
B. Get a teaching job
4. Find a good man or date Ben if he is that man ;)
5. Save money
6. Find a place to live
7. Pay off all debt
8. Make new single friends
I'm going to be ok. This new life is going to be better then anything I could of had with Joe. Yes it will suck more before it gets better but after the last month I am strong! I am ready for it. I can survive and adult on my own and I think I will do a pretty damn good job of it...why? Because I have been living on my own for the last month and he hasn't. I have been accepting the quiet and he hasn't. And it's going to be a rude slap in the face of reality when it does. That and I actually have a brain.
So now that Joe is dead in my life. Now I get to focus on me. And these are in NO order...
1. Get back into great shape
2. Eat healthy
3. A. Get that Masters degree
B. Get a teaching job
4. Find a good man or date Ben if he is that man ;)
5. Save money
6. Find a place to live
7. Pay off all debt
8. Make new single friends
I'm going to be ok. This new life is going to be better then anything I could of had with Joe. Yes it will suck more before it gets better but after the last month I am strong! I am ready for it. I can survive and adult on my own and I think I will do a pretty damn good job of it...why? Because I have been living on my own for the last month and he hasn't. I have been accepting the quiet and he hasn't. And it's going to be a rude slap in the face of reality when it does. That and I actually have a brain.
Thursday, December 10, 2015
Freaking out
I'm 28 years old and I have only slept with 2 men. One wasn't very adventurous at all but also knew everything about me and the other is adventurous granted hasn't done that stuff with me and hasn't seen much of me. And now I am going out into the world again. I am going to be naked in front of people that are not Joe. I am going to have sex with people that are not Joe. And it's going to be ok...? The beginning of October I weighed 170lbs... It's now the middle of December and I weigh 157lbs. I am suppose to for my height weigh 140lbs. That means I have 17lbs to lose. And all 17lbs is sitting on my tummy...and no matter how much I work and how sore I am the next day...I look and there it is! I'm going to most likely get naked in front of a man in 3 days and I have 17lbs just sitting on my belly. I should be at the gym working out or on the floor of my bedroom doing crunches...but I am so tired! All I want to do is sleep! But I couldn't justify going to sleep at 6:00pm. I wish I could lose this weight faster...I am losing it I understand and am excited about that...I just wish it was happening sooner and that I had more energy to be constantly excising like I am trying to do. I also wish Joe had been nicer and told me I was pretty more often...told me I looked sexy or liked my outfits. But then again if he had we might not be getting divorced...so there's that.
I really just want Ben to like me. To think I'm pretty and sexy...to not see my fat-ness. I hope that I can keep up with him sexually and I hope he is not totally pissed when I tell him he has to use a condom because I am not too trusting of my birth control right now (leaving out the whole I've never had a guy cum inside me before) Fuck! That is another thing...most guys want that! Most guys also want blow jobs...shit. Since Joe was so vanilla I never had to do any of that crap or worry about it. Now I do. Shit...and now I am thinking of Joe doing all that stuff with some one else...not using a condom...shit...stop thinking about that...shit...I can't now...URGGGGG. But Ben has never had a problem before...in fact I have gone to visit him where we didn't do anything at all but kiss. And I did give Joe and blow job with out a condom twice in the last month and a half (yes proving I was a good wife and now regretting that he got that from me) So I could do that if need be...Ben said it's hard for him to cum from a blow job anyway so it's not like he is going to try to cum in my mouth. Why am I freaking out about this? Why am I even thinking about this? I should just see where things go and if they go a direction I don't like I stop it...I'm an idiot...I shouldn't have told Ben that I was concerned about this...Now he probably thinks I'm a freak. He did say we would take it slow so that I am happy and comfortable so that is good...I think. Fuck me.
I really just want Ben to like me. To think I'm pretty and sexy...to not see my fat-ness. I hope that I can keep up with him sexually and I hope he is not totally pissed when I tell him he has to use a condom because I am not too trusting of my birth control right now (leaving out the whole I've never had a guy cum inside me before) Fuck! That is another thing...most guys want that! Most guys also want blow jobs...shit. Since Joe was so vanilla I never had to do any of that crap or worry about it. Now I do. Shit...and now I am thinking of Joe doing all that stuff with some one else...not using a condom...shit...stop thinking about that...shit...I can't now...URGGGGG. But Ben has never had a problem before...in fact I have gone to visit him where we didn't do anything at all but kiss. And I did give Joe and blow job with out a condom twice in the last month and a half (yes proving I was a good wife and now regretting that he got that from me) So I could do that if need be...Ben said it's hard for him to cum from a blow job anyway so it's not like he is going to try to cum in my mouth. Why am I freaking out about this? Why am I even thinking about this? I should just see where things go and if they go a direction I don't like I stop it...I'm an idiot...I shouldn't have told Ben that I was concerned about this...Now he probably thinks I'm a freak. He did say we would take it slow so that I am happy and comfortable so that is good...I think. Fuck me.
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
I Don't Care
So I signed up for Match.com last night and started talking to a guy who is kinda cute but as I talk to him I am finding my self not caring about the answers to the questions I am asking him. Which I guess is a good sign that he isn't what I want. He couldn't answer what he does for money besides a seasonal firefighting job...and he is an only child with divorced parents...and lives in Yakima. So...
Granted I'm divorced...my parents are divorced and I don't have a great job...and not sure where I will be living come March... so I'm not much of a catch either.
I find it interesting that even though I am a Christian and believe in God and after everything that happened with Joe I realize how important having God in your marriage and relationship is...I'm still afraid to be the first person to bring up religion. I don't want a bible thump-er but I want some one who has a better religious relationship then Joe. Am I afraid I'm going to come off as a bible thump-er? Or do I just not ask because I assume I won't find some one with the exact same beliefs as me?
Granted I'm divorced...my parents are divorced and I don't have a great job...and not sure where I will be living come March... so I'm not much of a catch either.
I find it interesting that even though I am a Christian and believe in God and after everything that happened with Joe I realize how important having God in your marriage and relationship is...I'm still afraid to be the first person to bring up religion. I don't want a bible thump-er but I want some one who has a better religious relationship then Joe. Am I afraid I'm going to come off as a bible thump-er? Or do I just not ask because I assume I won't find some one with the exact same beliefs as me?
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
Focus
Right now my focus is getting my body back from the ugly "I'm married" phase back to the "I'm sexy and single" phase and to keep it like that. It's been good for me mentally too...gives me something to do at night when it's hard to be alone and it keeps me eating right. Which is good because I'm not getting take out which costs money...plus cooking gives me something to do too. It is also something I actually have control of in my life right now. And I am actually seeing some improvement so that is a huge helping factor in keeping me motivated. The first weekend in October I weighed around 170...today I weighed in at 158! So that is HUGE! I am also listening to more music throughout my day to try to give me a boost. I just need to keep focusing on positive things that I enjoy and will help me like working out, eating healthy, my photography business, and finding a new job that pays more.
Just can't win
I just can't win....first I find out my husband is cheating on me and then that we are getting a divorce so I need to find a new place to live. Then the car insurance company tells me because we are separated my coverage gets cut and then my car gets hit by an uninsured driver with a suspended license. Now I am on my period (which is the worst one I've had in a loooong time) I just find out that to get my masters degree I need to take 6 classes someplace else because I didn't meet those pre-requisites. WHAT ELSE WORLD?!?! What else are you going to throw at me??? I am trying to move on....I am trying to better myself and you just won't let me! You just keep kicking me...keep kicking harder and harder...
I want to give up...I want to crawl into a little ball and cry. And yet I am not aloud to. I am expected to stand tall and not shed a tear...I am told to focus on the positive and stop being so negative. But what is the positive?? That I'm young...that I don't have kids...that I'm alive? How are those the only positives??? I'm not that young... and no I don't have kids even though I want them... I am trying to be strong...I am trying to be brave...but it is so hard.
I want to give up...I want to crawl into a little ball and cry. And yet I am not aloud to. I am expected to stand tall and not shed a tear...I am told to focus on the positive and stop being so negative. But what is the positive?? That I'm young...that I don't have kids...that I'm alive? How are those the only positives??? I'm not that young... and no I don't have kids even though I want them... I am trying to be strong...I am trying to be brave...but it is so hard.
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