Bad Dreams

I'm getting really tired of all these bad dreams...  It's like no matter what I do before bed or what thoughts I try to put in my head...he always comes in. It's always reinacting new ways of him telling me he doesn't want me...new ways of me defending that I was a good wife...that I tired...that no one else will be as good as I was. And part of me feels that way and part of me regrets not being better. I could have been better but he could have told me he wasn't happy he could have tried to talk to me about things. When I talk with other people I am always blaming him...but when I am alone I am always blaming me.

I don't think talking to a counselor is going to help...because lets be honest it didn't help before. I think I just need to get by until March and then I will never have to talk or see him again. And that's the big thing...I need to keep my self busy so that I am not looking to see what he has posted on instagram or Facebook. Because we all know he is only going to post good stuff on there...he isn't going to post about how sad and lonely he is...no he is going to spin everything so it looks like he is doing great and happy. Just like I will. Only I would like to be posting because I am truly happy and not just faking it at some point...but right now I gotta fake it till I make it.

I am also hopping that this bladder infection and all it's side effects start to get better soon...because that isn't helping my sleep or my gym time. I'm trying to figure out what to do today...I skipped church because my areas where hurting beyond belief so I started to clean the house and now they are feeling better...why they hurt like hell when I sleep and are fine during the day I will never know. So I got the vacuum bag changed, upstairs vacuumed, two loads of laundry done. I still need to clean the guest bathroom, the master bathroom and change the bed sheets, do another load of dishes, finish packing up the guest room and clean the hardwood floor. I'm not sure how I'm going to make this place look nice to show. I ordered some pictures to put in the frames downstairs but other then that there are NO pictures on any of the walls. Hasn't been since we moved in...we couldn't decide on anything...how sad is that? Next place I move I am putting pictures on the walls ASAP.

So I could clean more since I am on this cleaning fix right now it might be wise to just go with it. Or I could drive to Mt. Rainier for the day and take some pictures...I think it's like a 1.5 or 2 hour drive each direction. So that would take up my whole day. I talked to Ben yesterday via text and he said he was given a couple extra days off...(I still don't know anything about his friends) so he may stay up at Whistler longer after his family leaves (no he didn't say I should come join him) but he wasn't sure if he wanted to do that so I said he was welcome to come stay here and I got a "Thanks" a couple hours later. So I highly doubt that is going to happen...but there is always that chance and I feel like that chance always happens on the days I either don't shower or I'm assuming don't clean the house. (I truly doubt he would come here...he will probably go home to be with Zeus or go stay with his parents or stay at Whistler but I'm assuming the first will happen) So I am just going to wait for him to text me since his texts are still short and not very informative or fun.

I also need to continue to apply for jobs...here and other places. Because no matter what in March I need to find a place to live and I NEED it to not be my dad's house. I will die if that happens...all social life...all independence... everything I have been trying to achieve in the last month will go out the window and it will be twice as hard to be alone on my own again. I mean this is no cake walk right now but that would be even worse! I wish this divorce would just hurry up so I could now what my financial situation is and just move on. Be able to plan father out. Because the biggest issue I'm facing is the where am I going to live and how am I going to pay for it...because I do have a job right now but it doesn't pay shit... soon I will need to find a new job but it's not as urgent as the place to live part and yet it's all tied together because I can't get a place to live without a new job.... see my life is one big shit circle. I wish they would just accept a cover letter and a resume and not make me give them those and then fill out everything on my resume in a questionnaire! I mean just pick one!!