Questions to ask Ben:
1. How long was the relationship?
2. Did you live together?
3. Did you purpose?
4. What was her transition?
5. Why did it end?
6. Why did you never mention you where in such a serous relationship?
I'm not sure what I am suppose to do. The week didn't go the way I had in visioned it and yet I still want him... Why? He had to leave again like always... And yet I'm still being understanding... Why?
1. CA- his aunt had something after we went to Disneyland (2010ish)
2. Seattle- his unit called him back early (2009ish)
3. South Carolina- friends injured (2015)
4. Florida- he got in a car accident on the way down to visit me (2014)
And the last couple times I have seen him, he has just done his errands... In Seattle I took him to pick up his car and watch him pack... South Carolina he did something with his car and his doctors appointment. Before he took me to Disneyland... Rented a hotel and did a 3D movie... So why the change? In high school he didn't like PDA... But a trip to ca after I got married he wanted to hold my hand everywhere and now this trip he didn't hold it at all. So ya when he says I'm ski-dish it's because I never know what I'm going to get with him... And he talked a big game on text about holding me and kissing me all night... He didn't even kiss me good night. We usually fall asleep in each other's arms and he didn't even try... He aloud me to do it but no initiation on his part. And he was on the phone texting people the entire day! I mean talk about rude! We don't get to see each other very often and yet he is on his phone. Yes I agree I wasn't talking and was quiet and boring but at the same time we weren't doing anything worth talking about. I guess I was feeling like I was an inconvenience to him... Like he didn't like me or want me. But then at the end he was telling me he loves me and has thought about a relationship with me...? Is that trie? Does he still want one after this week?
As far as I'm concerned if we both love each other and want to be together and now the only thing stopping us is distance... Then fuck that. Distance should not be a thing. Granted we need to talk more about what we expect and we need to visit each other more often so we can figure this shit out... So we can both be normal. Plus if this is going to be a thing I'm the one who will be risking the most since I would have to move to him. Would it be challenging at first... Yes... Could it be worth it? Could it be what we both need? Could it be a crazy beautiful wonderful thing? Could it be a huge mistake? Yes.
And if we didn't work out as a couple then this would all be over. Our 13 year "relationship" would be over since I'm not sure what you would actually call it. Because I can't hear about his relationships with other women with out it crushing my heart... I can't have him around me if I can't have him... And maybe that's why I always kept him around... Because deep down I knew joe and I wouldn't work out and that I've always loved Ben and that I always will wether I want to or not.
Is this a guy I want to be with? Or is this just a really looooong high school crush? I mean his secrecy and his texting will kill me if that continues. I know that. And is that part of the bad boy appeal? That I feel like because he compartmentalizes everything and never tells any one person the whole story... that I might be that one person...that one person that he trusts with all of his secrets...? But honestly do I want to know all his secrets? I mean I just found out that he in 2012 was with a girl that he was "thinking" about getting engaged to and out her on his USAA account as a "fiancé" to "help her transition" and that just about broke my heart! Why? That was 3 years ago and I got engaged to Joe that year and got married the next year. And as I'm writing this I just realized that during that 6 months prior to my wedding he was trying to get me to call it off...was that because his relationship ended and I was his rebound... like he was saying this week was a rebound week for me? I was talking to him about my future wedding at the time and he was telling me his thoughts on what he would want in a wedding... was he talking about what he wanted...just re-saying what his girlfriend that I didn't even know existed was saying to him or was he just saying what he thought I wanted to hear? How did I never know that he was serous with some one like that? How did he never mention he was going on a date or that...I don't know... I guess it's not how did he...the question is why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he mention it? And can he be faithful to me? That's the another HUGE question... And then the kids thing. I mean the argue for faithfulness is a question for everyone and can never really be answered. I don't know... I see signs for both... Something always makes him need to leave when we are together for longer then a couple hours... Yet every time we have issues we always come back to each other... After 13 years... Why? Why does our time get cut and why do we keep coming back? We are completely different people and yet we love each other... Why?
Why is any of this happening? What is suppose to happen? I feel like there has to be some good that is suppose to come out of all of this... That all this bad can't be for nothing... The cheating... The divorce... The car accident... Not doing what I thought in SC.... Ben's friend getting injured... Me having to leave early... There has to be a plan. This all has to have a reason. Otherwise I give up.
I am trying to be strong I am trying to be me... But I need to change things so I can be me... I need a new job... I need a new place to live... I need new clothes... I need new friends... I need new activities... I need a new place... I need a new life.
And I think I got part of that this week in Charleston... It was about Ben and I not joe and I for the first time in...we'll a long time. I was free to wonder about Ben and I... I was even though tagging along... Seeing what his life is. Is it very single bachelor-ness? Yes but that's ok unless that's the life he always wants. And I guess I need to keep that option open and not let myself try to conform with him.
But who am I? Who is Jilian without Joe? The last time I was this Jilian I was 17 and just graduated from high school. Now I am 28 and in the real world.... I travel (wether by myself or with other people I travel) I like wearing clothes that show off a little more and that are more hippie... I like to grow my own food and Cook recipes with them... I like to photograph my food that I cook and I like to photograph where I go. I love animals and would do anything to protect animals. I like to do outdoor activities like hike, camp, and sports like soccer and football. I like to talk and I care very strongly for the important people in my life. I am very picky when it comes to people in my life and I like nice things. I am a strong woman who knows what she likes and doesn't like who is willing to try everything at least once. I need to stop being timid and afraid and be me. I am pretty...I am smart...I am Jilian and no one can change that or take that away from me.
1. How long was the relationship?
2. Did you live together?
3. Did you purpose?
4. What was her transition?
5. Why did it end?
6. Why did you never mention you where in such a serous relationship?
I'm not sure what I am suppose to do. The week didn't go the way I had in visioned it and yet I still want him... Why? He had to leave again like always... And yet I'm still being understanding... Why?
1. CA- his aunt had something after we went to Disneyland (2010ish)
2. Seattle- his unit called him back early (2009ish)
3. South Carolina- friends injured (2015)
4. Florida- he got in a car accident on the way down to visit me (2014)
And the last couple times I have seen him, he has just done his errands... In Seattle I took him to pick up his car and watch him pack... South Carolina he did something with his car and his doctors appointment. Before he took me to Disneyland... Rented a hotel and did a 3D movie... So why the change? In high school he didn't like PDA... But a trip to ca after I got married he wanted to hold my hand everywhere and now this trip he didn't hold it at all. So ya when he says I'm ski-dish it's because I never know what I'm going to get with him... And he talked a big game on text about holding me and kissing me all night... He didn't even kiss me good night. We usually fall asleep in each other's arms and he didn't even try... He aloud me to do it but no initiation on his part. And he was on the phone texting people the entire day! I mean talk about rude! We don't get to see each other very often and yet he is on his phone. Yes I agree I wasn't talking and was quiet and boring but at the same time we weren't doing anything worth talking about. I guess I was feeling like I was an inconvenience to him... Like he didn't like me or want me. But then at the end he was telling me he loves me and has thought about a relationship with me...? Is that trie? Does he still want one after this week?
As far as I'm concerned if we both love each other and want to be together and now the only thing stopping us is distance... Then fuck that. Distance should not be a thing. Granted we need to talk more about what we expect and we need to visit each other more often so we can figure this shit out... So we can both be normal. Plus if this is going to be a thing I'm the one who will be risking the most since I would have to move to him. Would it be challenging at first... Yes... Could it be worth it? Could it be what we both need? Could it be a crazy beautiful wonderful thing? Could it be a huge mistake? Yes.
And if we didn't work out as a couple then this would all be over. Our 13 year "relationship" would be over since I'm not sure what you would actually call it. Because I can't hear about his relationships with other women with out it crushing my heart... I can't have him around me if I can't have him... And maybe that's why I always kept him around... Because deep down I knew joe and I wouldn't work out and that I've always loved Ben and that I always will wether I want to or not.
Is this a guy I want to be with? Or is this just a really looooong high school crush? I mean his secrecy and his texting will kill me if that continues. I know that. And is that part of the bad boy appeal? That I feel like because he compartmentalizes everything and never tells any one person the whole story... that I might be that one person...that one person that he trusts with all of his secrets...? But honestly do I want to know all his secrets? I mean I just found out that he in 2012 was with a girl that he was "thinking" about getting engaged to and out her on his USAA account as a "fiancé" to "help her transition" and that just about broke my heart! Why? That was 3 years ago and I got engaged to Joe that year and got married the next year. And as I'm writing this I just realized that during that 6 months prior to my wedding he was trying to get me to call it off...was that because his relationship ended and I was his rebound... like he was saying this week was a rebound week for me? I was talking to him about my future wedding at the time and he was telling me his thoughts on what he would want in a wedding... was he talking about what he wanted...just re-saying what his girlfriend that I didn't even know existed was saying to him or was he just saying what he thought I wanted to hear? How did I never know that he was serous with some one like that? How did he never mention he was going on a date or that...I don't know... I guess it's not how did he...the question is why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he mention it? And can he be faithful to me? That's the another HUGE question... And then the kids thing. I mean the argue for faithfulness is a question for everyone and can never really be answered. I don't know... I see signs for both... Something always makes him need to leave when we are together for longer then a couple hours... Yet every time we have issues we always come back to each other... After 13 years... Why? Why does our time get cut and why do we keep coming back? We are completely different people and yet we love each other... Why?
Why is any of this happening? What is suppose to happen? I feel like there has to be some good that is suppose to come out of all of this... That all this bad can't be for nothing... The cheating... The divorce... The car accident... Not doing what I thought in SC.... Ben's friend getting injured... Me having to leave early... There has to be a plan. This all has to have a reason. Otherwise I give up.
I am trying to be strong I am trying to be me... But I need to change things so I can be me... I need a new job... I need a new place to live... I need new clothes... I need new friends... I need new activities... I need a new place... I need a new life.
And I think I got part of that this week in Charleston... It was about Ben and I not joe and I for the first time in...we'll a long time. I was free to wonder about Ben and I... I was even though tagging along... Seeing what his life is. Is it very single bachelor-ness? Yes but that's ok unless that's the life he always wants. And I guess I need to keep that option open and not let myself try to conform with him.
But who am I? Who is Jilian without Joe? The last time I was this Jilian I was 17 and just graduated from high school. Now I am 28 and in the real world.... I travel (wether by myself or with other people I travel) I like wearing clothes that show off a little more and that are more hippie... I like to grow my own food and Cook recipes with them... I like to photograph my food that I cook and I like to photograph where I go. I love animals and would do anything to protect animals. I like to do outdoor activities like hike, camp, and sports like soccer and football. I like to talk and I care very strongly for the important people in my life. I am very picky when it comes to people in my life and I like nice things. I am a strong woman who knows what she likes and doesn't like who is willing to try everything at least once. I need to stop being timid and afraid and be me. I am pretty...I am smart...I am Jilian and no one can change that or take that away from me.
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