How many women did you almost or actually proposed to? Why didn't you? I almost called off my wedding... Because I was in love with you...you were the one calming me down...you where the one making me happy...you where asking me to come visit you... hell we even talked about you at my bachelorette party! I had stupid daydreams that you would fly up here and tell me to cancel it because you loved me and I should be with you.
I grew up doing what was expected of me I went to college like I was supposed to I majored in what I was supposed to I took the job I was supposed to I dated the guy was supposed to and married the guy that I was supposed to... Yes three weeks ago I was fighting to keep my marriage together I was fighting to keep my marriage together because I thought that's what I was supposed to do because I promised my dad that I would try everything I could to make it work. The day I found out he was cheating on me I knew it was over deep down I always knew it was over that day. But yeah I was scared of losing my house I was scared of losing everything that I had built for life I was scared to start over so I tried to save what I had... Out of fear and not out of love. I almost ended it at least 20 times during those couple months but my dad kept telling me not to that is why I was trying to keep it together for so long.
I'm 28 and divorced I'm done doing the things that I'm supposed to and going to start doing the things that I want to. And if that pisses people off in the process in the process then oh well. I'm gonna take chances and I'm probably going to make mistakes and fail hard but I'm not gonna regret doing it. I love you and I always have I always wanted to be with you... And I've never gotten the chance because there's always been a reason and excuse for it not to work and to be completely honest I am absolutely done with excuses I'm done with thing standing in my way in three months I'm not gonna have a place to live I'm trying to find a new job... You're right I don't have very many friends here so other than my family I have nothing holding me in Washington to be completely honest I can go and do anything that I want because I have nobody to be accountable for I have nobody else's thoughts to play into it so.... Why would when you move to Virginia be a bad time? You're getting a fresh start I couldn't I could actually move there and have a fresh start and we could see if this is something and if it's not then I'll move and if it is then I'll stay. But I guess maybe guess question is why not? And if that's what you want.
You say you love me...what does that mean to you though? What kind of love is it? Is it I love you as a really good friend because we have known each other for so long? Or is it I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you? Because my I love you's mean that I care about you...I don't want you to be with anyone else...I want to live with you and be with you and commit to you...I want you to meet my family and I want to meet yours. It means that when you talk about other women my heart hurts. When you disappear my heart hurts. It means that I fear for your well being and want to do everything in my power to make you happy. I want to be the person you run to when your having a bad day...I want to be the first person you want to tell when you are having a good day... I want you to miss me and to be excited to see me... when you let your head wonder...I want it to wonder to me.
I know I seemed timid and scared this last week with you and it's not because I am timid and scared it's because every time I see you I want to be everything that you want me to be because I like you I want you to like me and I'm afraid I'm gonna say something stupid or do something wrong and you're gonna disappear again... your going to decide you don't actually like me. It's because every time I look into your eyes I melt...I forget everything I am going to say and just...melt. And I love that feeling...I love the feeling of being in your arms...the feeling of our lips on my skin... and I wish I could just bottle it up so I can have it all the time...so I can have it on those lonely nights...
You are a pretty strong aggressive guy and I love it I'm just not used to it in person because we really don't see each other that often. And I think that if we see each other on a more regular basis I obviously would be more normal and I think it would be great I mean the fact that we can have pretty much an entire relationship for several years based simply on text and phone call conversations I think that says something. At least it does to me... I could be completely off in left field because I don't necessarily know what you're thinking. And I wish I did I wish I knew more I wish you wouldn't compartmentalize things I know you say that I know a lot more than most people but the thing is is I want to know everything. Because knowing everything helps me to understand you better understand why you do the things you do and say the things you do I want to know you and if we are thinking about dating then now is the best time to open up and share everything and be vulnerable. Something I'm not very good at being.
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