Freaking out

I'm 28 years old and I have only slept with 2 men. One wasn't very adventurous at all but also knew everything about me and the other is adventurous granted hasn't done that stuff with me and hasn't seen much of me. And now I am going out into the world again. I am going to be naked in front of people that are not Joe. I am going to have sex with people that are not Joe. And it's going to be ok...? The beginning of October I weighed 170lbs... It's now the middle of December and I weigh 157lbs. I am suppose to for my height weigh 140lbs. That means I have 17lbs to lose. And all 17lbs is sitting on my tummy...and no matter how much I work and how sore I am the next day...I look and there it is! I'm going to most likely get naked in front of a man in 3 days and I have 17lbs just sitting on my belly. I should be at the gym working out or on the floor of my bedroom doing crunches...but I am so tired! All I want to do is sleep! But I couldn't justify going to sleep at 6:00pm. I wish I could lose this weight faster...I am losing it I understand and am excited about that...I just wish it was happening sooner and that I had more energy to be constantly excising like I am trying to do. I also wish Joe had been nicer and told me I was pretty more often...told me I looked sexy or liked my outfits. But then again if he had we might not be getting divorced...so there's that.

I really just want Ben to like me. To think I'm pretty and sexy...to not see my fat-ness. I hope that I can keep up with him sexually and I hope he is not totally pissed when I tell him he has to use a condom because I am not too trusting of my birth control right now (leaving out the whole I've never had a guy cum inside me before) Fuck! That is another thing...most guys want that! Most guys also want blow jobs...shit. Since Joe was so vanilla I never had to do any of that crap or worry about it. Now I do. Shit...and now I am thinking of Joe doing all that stuff with some one else...not using a condom...shit...stop thinking about that...shit...I can't now...URGGGGG. But Ben has never had a problem before...in fact I have gone to visit him where we didn't do anything at all but kiss. And I did give Joe and blow job with out a condom twice in the last month and a half (yes proving I was a good wife and now regretting that he got that from me) So I could do that if need be...Ben said it's hard for him to cum from a blow job anyway so it's not like he is going to try to cum in my mouth. Why am I freaking out about this? Why am I even thinking about this? I should just see where things go and if they go a direction I don't like I stop it...I'm an idiot...I shouldn't have told Ben that I was concerned about this...Now he probably thinks I'm a freak. He did say we would take it slow so that I am happy and comfortable so that is good...I think. Fuck me.