Phenoix

I thought I was living...I went to college, I got a cat...two in fact, I married my college sweetheart. It wasn't until my divorce...the moment I thought my life was over that I realized that I wanted my life to be over because I wasn't actually living.


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Two Options

Every relationship has two options…your either going to marry that person or your going to break up. But now after being married and returning to the single life I realize those aren’t the two options. Then I started thinking that maybe the two options are really you are either going to break up or one of you is going to die. It sounds morbid but getting married isn’t the end all. It’s not like once you are married you are stuck together forever no matter what happens. I used to think it was…but now I’m divorced. I think that is what makes me scared to get back into a relationship. It could end at any moment. There are people who break up after being together for only a couple weeks and there are people who break up after being together for 50 years.

I went to a wedding last weekend and as I listened to the bride and groom say their vows and make promises to one another I thought back to my own that said at my wedding. All I could think was “lies”. Everything sounds great when you are stupidly in love with one another but what happens when the shit hits the fan? Where are those vows when your husband is texting other women instead of you… when you start to blame him for all of your problems? It’s easy to make promises when life is good…it’s not easy to keep them when life gets hard. That’s where commitment comes in.

A relationship is love but it is also commitment.

So no when you meet some one I don’t think your two options are you get married or you break up… I think they are you either try and love forever or you give up. I woke up every morning and I choose to be with my husband…I choose to try…I choose to love. After 10 years he woke up and said fuck it. I guess I am scared to try again…to be vulnerable and trust again. I’m scared some one will say they love me and want to spend the rest of their life with me that morning and then say fuck it that evening and leave.

And I don’t know how to fix that fear.

Friends

Since my separation from my ex husband… (yes the divorce is STILL not final…don’t ask) I have had my eyes opened to how fucked up my life really was. Usually when something bad like a divorce happens you have friends come out of the woodwork to help support you. Nope. Not anyone I know. I have ONE friend. Yes just one and she was my friend from way back in middle school. All my other “friends” either took his side (which means they are pretty shitty people to begin with because they are ok with some one who cheats on their wife with another married man’s wife) or are too busy to care. And with friends like that who needs enemies?

So needless to say I am cleaning out the old Facebook friends list and starting fresh! Which feels good right now but I’m not sure how I am going to replenish my friend bank… Right now I am pretty much just friends with guys I’ve gone out with…weird right?!

So I have a plan to make some new friends:

1. get a new job where there are more people
2. join a group of some kind (hiking, photography, anything)

Yeah… not much of a plan. hahaha. It’s hard to make friends when you’re an adult! You can’t just walk up to some one and ask them to be your friend like you could when you where in elementary school! I wish you could…life would be so much nicer if you could. But like I’ve said in posts before these Elementary kids got life down.

Being Honest

I am trying to be as honest as I can with this process of trying to find my next husband. Honest with my self and honest with the guys I am meeting. So today after going on three dates with a guy and having him never once try to flirt or kiss me I told him that I felt like we were more friends then anything else. I didn’t want to lead him on and was hoping that we would be able to be friends especially since we hadn’t done anything romantic and he said that we should just “let it go” and next time he will move a little faster.

I didn’t have any romantic feelings for the guy but it’s still hard to lose a friend and lose some one who liked you. It sounds stupid but the little fact of knowing that there is someone out there who wants to be with you…when your going through a divorce is sometimes your only saving grace at staying sane. It’s also nice to just have some one to talk to at night.

Being honest sucks but if it was the other way around I would want the guy to tell me if he wasn’t feeling it and if it was the other way around I understand why he doesn’t want to be friends…it just sucks.

Dodged a Bullet

Well I dodged a huge bullet on that one. You're welcome future kids that my ex is not your father and will never be a part of your life. If he had been you would have turned out to be complete and utter morons, who would have gotten walked all over. But be grateful because now you have a chance at being real people...I just have to find a new man who is worthy enough to be your father.

Take A Hint

So last Wednesday I started talking to this guy on Plenty of Fish…for the sake of the story I will refer to him as “Jim”. So I’m talking to Jim and he seems fine…nothing to write home about but he asks me out for a drink. When it gets to this point I always exchange numbers first so I can have the guy text me a picture of themselves that way I can make sure they actually look like their pictures…and get a better idea of if they are actually attractive or not. 75% of the time they are NOT and have just chosen really good pictures for their profile. So the next day he sent me a picture and I was like Nope! You ugly! Obviously I didn’t say that to him but I didn’t respond to his text at all and usually guys get the hint if you don’t respond after a certain amount of time and you all move on. Not this guy! No in six days Jim has called me eight times from his phone number, texted me seven times, called me three times from different numbers that aren’t his, left me four messages on POF, and left me two voice mails. I feel like I should finish that off with a “and a partridge in a pair tree”!

And yes you read that right he has called me from three different phone numbers! The first time he called from his phone number and I figured out it was him after I answered it so I just said hello three times and hung up…like I couldn’t hear him.  The next time he called from a different number so I didn’t know it was him and actually started to talk…oops. He was like hey this is Jim have you gotten any of my calls or texts? At this point I should say yes but i’m sorry I am not interested…but I didn’t. Why? Because 1. that is super awkward to do over the phone and 2. this guy is obviously crazy and I don’t want to piss him off. So instead I played dumb. “No I haven’t been getting your texts…that is so weird! Well I’m meeting some friends and just pulled in the parking lot so I gotta go.”  Yeah I know, I’m a bitch, but what else are you going to do when a crazy person calls you?

So you would think by now Jim would get the hint that I am not interested right? Wrong! He texted me later that day and then called me today from his number and then from a different number and left me a message saying how he checked with the phone company and they are not sure why I am not getting any of his calls or texts either! He talked to the freaking phone company!! I am sure they got a good kick out of that conversation! And he also asked me to put his number in my phone because that might help but he will try to call me when he can somehow. Are you freaking kidding me guy?!? I mean even if I was interested we only talked sporadically for maybe an hour on POF… not worth all the work he is putting in to get a hold of me. You’re probably thinking I should be flattered huh? Honestly at this point I’m not sure to whether to be creeped out or feel sorry for the guy. There is no reason you should put this much energy into some one who you don’t even know their last name…or in this case any about them period.

So needless to say this post is to be continued…

Ben has a GF

Ben has a girlfriend now... when he told me my heart sank into my stomach and I immediately wanted to cry... still do. I know it would never work with us but deep down I want it to. If we lived closer to one another I think it would work...I just don't think we will ever have that chance. And now I'm not sure what to do...my one single guy who liked me has a girlfriend...Chris is a freak...Joe won't talk to me unless it's about the divorce or the house...Scott wants to be friends and I for the first time since the divorce have no one. It was nice knowing Ben was single and liked me and wanted me...but now...not even he wants me. Not a single man wants to talk to me or be with me.

So I just finished balling my eyes out in the bathroom...how stupid is this?!? Why am I this upset about Ben? I thought I was over him? I guess my brain gets it but my heart refuses to accept it.

Date with Scott

So I met Scott on Tinder and I have gone on two "dates" with him. (going to his house to watch a movie and drink wine) And I can't for the life of me figure out if he likes me?!?! So much that I asked Ben what he thought... ya I'm desperate but I kinda really like this guy and I am afraid he doesn't like me or I am in the friends with benefits zone since he hasn't actually taken me out on a real date. He did kiss me...a lot on the second date and he initiated we sit closer and cuddle. But I was the one who was like so am I going to get to see you again...he did say he would love to and that he was completely free this week. But our second date was Monday and it's now Wednesday and still no official plans on hanging out. And I waited today to text him to see if he would text me...I gave in at 9:11am and now it is 10:15am and I still haven't heard from him which is the latest I have not heard from him since we started talking last Wednesday...? I am scared I don't have a good feeling about this. But he is working an expo today but still why wouldn't he text me on the drive or when he woke up? Why? Why can't I just find a good guy and be done with all this dating crap? I just want a husband who loves me and a family...is that too much to ask for God? Scott wrapped me up in his arms and it felt like home...as weird as that is to say about a guy I've only met twice. It was amazing and I felt safe and I just want that again. Fuck me I am in love with this guy after two dates and I don't think he likes me...

So I flat out asked him and he said he really likes hanging out with me and obviously finds me attractive but doesn't want to jump into a relationship. He wants to hang out and see where things go. And he said worst case scenario he gets a friend who likes to hike.

Shit Show

Well this week has been a shit show! Monday Chris unfriended me on facebook. Tuesday I had to deal with Joe and meet with a realtor...which ended the night with me crying. Wednesday I met a guy on Tinder that I kinda like but found out he has kids...something I don't want but I guess we are going to meet up on Monday anyway as friends? I don't know probably a bad idea like going on a date with Chris when I knew he had kids was a bad idea. I was suppose to go play softball and ended up on a kinda date with a black guy who talked about politics, military, ex's, religion, and race! How horrible was that dinner? AWFUL!  And I found out that Vicky is now moving to Germany in June for 3 years.

WTF? How is this my life? I mean seriously?!?!

Problems

Before I met Chris I thought I was broken. It turns out I'm not. After seeing all the problems Chris has after his relationships...I'm doing good. I won't have any kids from a previous marriage causing issues. I won't have my ex in my life causing issues. My divorce will be final. I am hoping to have all my debt gone by that point but we will see. I am working on bettering my career.

It's over...again

Yup out of the blue Chris broke up with me again... We even had plans to go play baseball today...to play foot golf...I even bought us soccer tickets so he could meet my dad. And yesterday he texts me at 11:00am telling me he loves me and after a few texts here and there he texts me right before I got in the shower because I thought we were hanging out that night he tells me that he doesn't like how I've been treating my ex and that he cheated on his ex-wife and that we are over. Yes he broke up with me again via text. Yesterday marked our second month anniversary and he just randomly out of the blue broke up with me without even letting me explain. The night before he was sizing me for rock climbing gear and getting ready to play softball with me. I don't get it? Two days ago he hugged me and told me that I felt like home. That he actually felt like he belonged somewhere finally. I don't get it. He said he deserves a second chance but I deserve some one who hasn't crossed that line. I don't know if it would be better or not to tell him that I don't deserve some one like that. Because honestly he needs to find himself. And deep down I don't think it's with me. I don't like that he chews, likes to fight people, has 3 kids, and has an ex-wife. But I do like him. I have a ton of fun with him when he is being normal. And I miss him. The way he talked about wanting to be with me forever...it made me happy...it made me feel safe. It made me think I had a chance at being happy and having a family. And now I am back to being lonely with no hope and no one to do anything with. It was nice having some one to go out to dinner with, to kick the soccer ball around with, to go ice skating with, to go out drinking and playing darts with, it was nice to have someone to watch tv with, to text with, to make plans with. I'm just so tired of being sad. I'm so tired of being lonely. I am so tired of feeling helpless. I am so tired of not being good enough.

I just look like an idiot now. I talked Chris up to both of my parents yesterday. I was so excited to play softball with him today. Was so excited to see him yesterday. And instead I went to bed at 8:00pm waking up every couple hours hoping he would get drunk and realize he missed me and text me. He didn't. Instead he took down every trace he had of me on his Facebook page. How can you go from telling some one you love them to that in a matter of minutes? How do I keep finding guys who can just throw me away like that? Was it Chris's perception of my divorce or did he just find some one better like Joe did? Why does my life have to suck so bad?

Nice Gestures

Chris sent me a bouquet of edible flowers at work today!! I looked it up online and it was like $87.00! I couldn't stop smiling! The card just said "Just because I love you". Swooon! I have never had a guy send me anything just because! Hell I really haven't had a guy send me anything even if there was an occasion.

What is wrong with me?

WOW. Joe is still dating fucking Amanda. I can't believe he is still lying to me to me about it. I mean why? I had to hack into his new "hidden" email address that he opened prior to us getting a divorce. What a shit bag. Yes I know I shouldn't have texted him bad things at 4:30am but here he is talking with a pastor, going to church (things he wouldn't do with me) and reading the bible every night and yet he is still fucking around with a woman who is married with a child. I just don't get it. Apparently he texts her every morning and she says she loves him. At least she did in an email.

On a side note Chris called and wants me back...I guess he started chewing again, smoked 3 cigarettes, hasn't shaved, hasn't cut his hair, he didn't go to the gym yesterday, and has been crying because he misses me so much. He said he was basing his value off of what his ex's thought of him which he realized he shouldn't do because I was right there loving him for who he was. And here I am being pissy at Joe. Why did I want to steal his Hotel.com points?!? I was doing so well! Now I feel like I might not be ready to date. Granted Chris needs to find value in himself without a woman. I need him to be confident in him self. And if he is THIS upset about losing me and he broke up with me....what if I break up with him? And can I actually deal with him having three kids? Can I deal with all the money he has to pay a year to them?

It's Over

Well it's officially over with Chris... for now any way. He sent me a text saying that he emotionally isn't ready. He wishes he was and it's "bullshit" that he isn't. He said he loves me and that he started crying in the break room at work. He said he hasn't been able to talk about it because it makes him cry uncontrollably...so I told him to keep my number and when he is ready to give me a call. We will see if he drunk texts me tonight or Friday or Saturday. I'm not going to lie I hope he does.

I also have strep throat so that's cool.

Lost

I think the guy who wanted to move in with me and marry me and have two kids and a golden retriever with me is trying to just disappear... and not actually break up with me... granted I still don't know what was such a big deal that it warrants breaking up with me and not actually talking to me.

And now my mom wants me to go see a doctor because she thinks I might have strep throat... lets just add that to the list...

1. Doctor for possible strep
2. Car place to get quote on damage
3. Pack up house
4. Try to sell house
5. Deal with Joe
6. Figure out Chris
7. Finish my two papers for my masters
8. Find a place to live

No that's not a lot of stuff at all.

Moving On Again?

I'm not sure what to do as far as Chris goes. He talked to me a little to make sure I was ok after my rear ending incident and he let me know his step dad shattered his elbow because his horse fell on him. But other then that nothing. I asked if we were still dating and he ignored the question. And today I said I hope he has a good day at work and I haven't heard anything from him. So I don't know I am taking it as we are done since he won't even talk to me...I mean what kind of a relationship is that?!?! I am not sure what is going through his head. But I do know I'm not going let Joe ruin my life anymore. I am not going to talk about him or compare anyone to him. He never happened. I am me. I have my feelings and thoughts because of me. I am not going to over think things and cause problems that aren't there. I am going to move on and be happy. I also need to learn to not try to talk over people and how to express my self when I am upset in a better way.

So I haven't added Bumble back to my phone yet (that is what Chris and I met on and what started this whole issue because I finally deleted the account like Chris wanted me to) but I am talking to a guy on Tinder that seems pretty good so far. He said he wants to get together but is away at a wedding and won't be back till Sunday night so we will see. He says he is 6'4 and a ER physician. Just lost his mom and moved here for a change from Miami. He is pretty damn cute in his pictures if they are real. And I asked if he had kids and he said no and then he asked me if I wanted kids and I said yep and I guess he does too. So that's good...he doesn't smoke or chew. So there are two issues that I wouldn't have with him that I would with Chris. Plus he is taller then Chris and he is 31 instead of 27. So the height issue and the age issue wouldn't be a problem either. So I am getting a little more ok with not being with Chris because there are better people for me out there with a lot less problems. I just have to find them I guess.

No More Boyfriend

Well that was short lived... Chris went on another one of his 3 days without talking to me issues and it pissed me off so I left all his stuff at his house because he wouldn't talk to me. I hate it when some one wont tell me why they are mad at me and then go and not answer their phone or anything for days. He didn't even try to get me back when I did that. But I still needed closure so Sunday I went over to his house which pissed him off because he was still sleeping at 11:30am because he was hung over from the night before and the day before he slept till 11:00am because he was hung over from the night before. And we talked. Well... he talked. About how we talk about our ex's a lot and how we might not be over them and how we are projecting our pasts on to each other. I agree he is doing that. I may talk about it more then I should but I don't over react like he does. So he gave me the jewelry back and said he would text me soon and that maybe we would go kick the soccer ball around later. I left and haven't heard from him since. So obviously he just wants to be a college kid again and cares more about hanging out with his roommates and their relationship then he does his own. He even said they were being slow to be my friend because of what had happened with his past girlfriends...like come on! Even his roommates are putting his ex's shit on me?!? In fact the only reason he probably liked me was so that he wasn't the third wheel with them. He didn't actually want a relationship at all. Just a friend. And right now I'm not even that. And that's the thing I think his friends got tired of him being away from them and hurt the situation as well. So I think everything was lined up against me. No matter what I did this relationship was going to fail. Which really sucks because when I was with him I was sooooo happy. I could see my life with him. He was almost perfect like I started to think that he was the reason Joe and I didn't work out...because God wanted me to be with Chris. Like he made Chris for me. I guess I was wrong. And now I'm back to where I was a month ago only now more hurt and more sad. It makes me question dating. Makes me think that maybe that happiness will never last...maybe that happiness isn't worth this pain.


On another note I got rear ended on my way to work today. So that's cool. I don't think there is any damage but I got the ladies insurance info and drivers license. It was pouring down rain and I was standing on the side of 405 so I didn't check too much. I was drenched and called my mom after and basically just balled my eyes out for 30 minutes. Because everything just sucks right now. I have no control over anything and everything just seems to be kicking me in the ass. I can't win...I just can't.

And now everyone is pressuring me to get the house on the market because the people across the street from us put there's up and now apparently have a buyer's war of 4 people which raised their price from 370 to 379 so far. And I'm freaking out because I'm doing everything on my own...packing, cleaning while trying to do my masters and have a some what normal relationship with a guy and it looks like I am failing at all the above. It's hard to pack when you don't know where you are going. It's hard to pack up a life that you didn't want to end. When you don't have something good or exciting to look forward to. Just shit. At least before I had Chris... now I have nothing. Just my lonely self and the cats... fuck me.

New Boyfriend

Well Chris and I are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. No one has met him yet and I still have some concerns but yup we are official and it's been a month of dating as of last Friday. So far in the last month we have gone to the theater, key's on main, ice skating, rode the Seattle wheel, eaten the biggest omelet, eaten at the oldest restaurant in Seattle, gone to two hockey games, gone to gamble at the casino, gone to the shooting range, AND gone to the movie theater! In fact I have been so busy with him and school work that I haven't written in this for forever!!

My 90 days is up with Joe so I got a hold of the attorney yesterday and she is going to start doing her shit. Chris and I went and looked at an apartment for me in Covington that I think can work. Joe came over last week and bitched because the house wasn't ready to go on the market yet. I told him to F off and if he wants it to move faster he could come over when I tell him to and actually fix up the yard. Freaking ass whole.

And I just found out last weekend that Uncle Jeffery has cancer and might not be around much longer.

Is Chris working for me?

He has looked into trying to buy my house for me so I can stay in it. WTF?!? First of all who does that? And second of all why would you tell me that? I feel like he is trying to rush and all we do is have serous talks about the future or talk about our past issues with ex's. I just want to have fun. I don't want all this drama and stress. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks and he has told me how he wants to marry me, that he has already looked at engagement rings, has thought about us moving in together, that girlfriend isn't a serious enough title for me, and that he has looked into buying my house for me. WHO DOES THAT??? He has freaked out multiple times about "walls" and him being scared I'm going to leave him. YES you should be scared of that because I don't do emotionally unstable people and you sir are emotional. I am tired of always being the guy in the relationship as far as emotional state. However he fits everything else on my list of what I'm looking for in a partner... minus the fact he has 3 kids, has co-signed on an ex's vehicle and chews tobacco (which he is trying to quit). Maybe I need to make a new rule where he can't say anything about marrying me or living with me or being with me forever for a while...? What am I talking about he isn't going to go for that. Nope he will freak out and we will have another emotional intense talk.

Valentines

I had an amazing Valentine's weekend... full of brunches, ice skating, drinking, gifts, sex, and movies. It was great! And then when Monday came around he pissed me off. I was suppose to make dinner for him and last minute he asks to take a rain check because the gym was taking longer then expected and he needed to do laundry. No I didn't go to the store to get stuff specifically for dinner...no I didn't skip the gym for you...no I didn't wait to eat for you...no I didn't start prepping dinner. And then he doesn't understand why I was upset and then wouldn't call me because it would be rude to Jake... are you kidding me?? Since when do my feelings not matter? Oh wait now that I think about it they never did...my feeling unsure always ended up being about you letting down your walls. My needing space was ridiculous but you needing it is expected. I get it. Any time I get upset or do something you don't like you become an injured bird...well fuck that.

Marriage

He wants to marry me. He's said it several times now...he asked me about what type of wedding ring I would want as far as what type of gold and diamond cut. And while we made love last night we talked about a life together...he told me how he wants to give me the house with the white picket fence...the golden retriever in the yard and the kitties in the house...two kids, a boy and a girl and his kids home during the summers. He talked about how he wants to grow old with me and tell our grand kids our love story. He talked about how he wants to share every first and every last he can with me.

I know I have walls...but I am not necessarily sure what they are or why they are there. I'm not sure why certain things are freaking me out or making me question. Chris cooks for me, tells me how wonderful I am, talks to me about everything, is honest, wants to spend time with me. He is gentle and makes love. He is attractive and yet I am not sure why I am not in the same place as him.

When I think about the fears that Joe could possibly have given me at the end I guess they are as follows:

1. body image
2. fear of some one leaving
3. fear of some one rejecting me
4. fear of commitment
5.

and then I am lost. Because I do have an issue with my body but I have been really comfortable with Chris. And I am not fearing him leaving me or rejecting me...but that may be because I know he won't where I did fear it a little with Ben. And as far as the commitment I am thinking about the future so that can't be a fear...right? So what is my problem? I am really happy when I am with him and I am attracted to him... but when I am not with him my head kicks into gear and is like wow calm your tits. The only issue I can think of is the time frame. The fact that he is moving so fast in just two weeks and I'm not even completely over what happened with Joe...I guess. I mean I feel over him...I don't think about him anymore and I haven't had any dreams about him... maybe it's because I am not in a new place yet and still living in "our house" with "our things". And maybe in my subconscious I am trying to plug Chris in where Joe was and just continue on...and I don't want to do that. I don't want something just because it is comfortable. So I think once I get the divorce done and I move into my own place and I maybe don't see Chris everyday...that might help bring me back into the "new life".  I need Chris to try to date me and not marry me right now.

First argument

Last night Chris found out about Ben. The other night he said girls with guy friends are one of his biggest insecurities and so Chris got mad that I didn't tell him about Ben that night and instead by asking other questions he found out about Ben last night and that upset him because I was keeping something from him. He then said maybe he should try to slow down because he was hurt that I was already keeping things from him. I actually got pissed because I said I was sorry but he kept bringing it up...enough that I put my pants on and was ready to leave his place. It actually scared me when he said he needed to slow down. I felt like I was losing him. Which is a good thing I felt scared because it means I do like him. So this morning I tried to separate myself from Ben a little bit until I can figure out what I am doing. Because I am not exclusive with Chris...I mean he thinks we are but we never had the talk even though he has told me he wants to marry me and grow old with me. But I am not going to lie when he talks about getting a house with a white picket fence and a golden retriever it does make my heart smile. And I'm not sure if that's because it's him or if that's just the life I want. I guess it's him because if it was ginger that would have freaked me out...in fact it did.

And I found out that he cosigned on a vehicle with a girlfriend and now she is not paying her bills so he is going to probably have to pay it. And he says there is like $17,000.00 left on it and it's a dodge so it's not even worth that much anymore. He like freaked out about money when I brought that up and I was like I don't care about money I'm just trying to get info and maybe help.



                  Chris-

     Otters hold hands while they sleep so they don't drift apart.
                   No matter what happened in the past,
                              what happens in the future,
     let this card be a reminder that I will never let go of your hand.
                                       
                                           love Jilian                          

Chris Sex

So I have stopped counting the times I hang out with Chris because even though I am kinda putting off the words that make it official... Chris and I are dating. We have had sex and (without my knowledge) he came inside me... and we say I love you and I see him basically everyday. He has talked about wanting to marry me and wanting to come home to me every day... and I'm just hesitant. I'm not sure why. When we are in bed together I get really wet but my heart doesn't race the way it does with Ben. And even though we haven't done much sexually it's still better with Ben and I am not sure why. It's about equal to when I was with Joe granted it doesn't hurt as much in certain positions with Chris... I'm just not sure. Is it because he is so in love with me and I am slow to the party? Why am I so much slower then him? Do I really love him or am I just saying it because he is?

I mean he makes me laugh, makes me feel good about my self, I enjoy talking with him and cuddling with him...I think he is cute and I think he would be a great dad. I mean everything is easy with this guy. And yet I am hesitant...is it just because he is so into me and I'm not having to work for it like I usually do? Or is it because it just hasn't been very long time wise? Or is there a reason I am not 100% into this guy yet? I mean if he was telling me he loved me and wanted to come home to me everyday in like a month or two I wouldn't really think about it much but he is doing it a week and a half into knowing each other. That's CRAZY!

Or is it because I am not even done with my divorce with Joe? I mean technically we are still married just separated... I don't know.

Fifth Date with Chris

Well we hung out with his roommate's last night and he told me he loved me...and I said it back. I do feel it I'm just afraid of it...I'm afraid to let my self partly because it's so soon and second because I don't want him to get too attached because I don't want to break him. He is just so sweet. He said we can take it slow. I spent the night with him...and wore his sweat pants to bed...it was actually really nice. I'm just like ahhhh what do I do because I can see my self being with this guy...and hanging out with him and his friends... it's comfortable and nice.

Forth Date with Chris

Well I think Chris wants to either tell me he loves me or break up with me. He told me that he was letting him self fall for me and I asked if he could compliment me less because I am not used to it. And now he is back tracking and putting up more walls. I am having a really fun time and I like him a lot it's just that it has only been 4 dates and not even a full week since our first date. I feel like it's moving really fast.

Third Date with Chris

OMG... I think I am falling for Chris. He is just so perfect and so nice! I could actually see a future with him. An actual loving, caring, sharing relationship. We talked more about his kids and relationship with his ex and as weird as it sounds I am starting to be more and more ok with it. That might be because he is such a nice guy but I could see us taking care of his kids during the summer and also having our own. He did get a vasectomy but he said he can get it reversed and would like to have kids with some one he actually loves and do the whole buying a house and raising a family with some one. And it kinda warms my heart to hear him talk about his kids...like I think he is going to make an awesome full time dad. The vasectomy kinda freaks me out because that is suppose to be permanent and I read online that if you reduce it within the first 3 years you have a 50% chance of getting pregnant but after 10 years your chances go down to like 30% chance and that the guys body could build up stuff against the sperm that would kill them even if the vasectomy was reversed. So now I am concerned that he might not be able to have kids. And I think that would devastate me if I couldn't have kids of my own. I mean don't get me wrong if I fall in love with Chris and we get married his children would be mine and I would treat and love them as such but there is something to be said about experiencing pregnancy and having your own children. So I think that might be a deal breaker.

We went out to dinner around 7:30pm and he didn't leave my house till 2:00am again. We spent like the whole time talking, sharing stories and asking questions. It was nice :) I just really hope I don't get tired of how nice and sweet he is since that is not the kind of guy I am used to or tend to date. Him talking about his work and how he looks though makes up for his "girl-ish" traits though.

Jail Time

So I was suppose to meet a guy from Ellensburg at a bar in Snoqualmie on Saturday. I hadn't heard from him since we scheduled and I kinda liked Chris so I sent the guy a text saying I wasn't going to be able to make it. Come Monday night I finally get a text from the guy saying he was sorry for not getting back to me but on Thursday he got thrown in jail and just got out....WTF?!?! I called and told mom about it and she was like "Well maybe he was chained to a tree trying to save it...tree huggers get put in jail a lot." I'm like no mom. He was in jail. So I texted the guy asking it why...ya no trees where involved...he got into a fight with some guys in a bar. I can't believe my mom is willing to give pretty much everyone a chance. I don't get it.

Chris Dates

So I have now been on two dates with Chris. The first one we started at Keys on Main at 8:30pm which is a piano bar and that was a lot of fun. He got there a little late because he got pulled over on the wya (no ticket though) and it was really cute because he was just as nervous as I was. The table was a little wobbly so his beer spilled a little so he went and got a napkin to fix the wobble. Then when I was talking I accidentally knocked by beer over. The place was too loud to talk so he was really embarrassed about that so we left and went to Hop Jacks by Grandma and Grandpa L's old place which happens to be close to where he lives. We talked till 12:45am because that's when they kinda kicked us out. Then the next day he came over at 6:00pm to watch Netflix. Be brought the beer and I bought the pizza... he stayed till 2:45am and it took him 13 episodes of How I Met your Mother before he got up the courage to kiss me :) And he wasn't a horrible kisser....Uggg I kinda like him a lot! BUT he has three kids...a 6 year old and 3 year old twins that live with their mother in Hawaii. What do I do with that??? I mean part of me wants to say that's a "future Jilian" problem since they don't live HERE and we have only been on two dates so who knows if this is even going to work? right?

We have a ton in common and he is an ok kisser... he isn't bad but there are some things I want to teach him ;) He said I am the best kisser he has ever been with :) and he does things like text me "goodnight gorgeous" or "good morning wonderful". And he says things like "Your smile makes me smile" I mean how freaking cute is that? And when he talks about work it makes me turned on because he is so... I don't know...he is in charge and knows his shit and it's hot! It sucks that he is already a dad but the way he talks about them and tries to provide for them makes think aww I could see you being the kind of person I want to be the dad of my kids. But if we where to have 2 kids of our own that would mean he would have 5 kids!! That's CRAZY! I mean three is already kinda crazy.

This week is for me

This week I am taking kind of a break from boys. That was a crazy two weeks and I don't know how helpful it was. So I am focusing on cleaning up the house since I only have one more month till we put it on the market. I gotta figure out where I'm going to go and I need to make Joe come over and clean the yard and the gutters up. Uggg not looking forward to all of that. Plus that means Joe won't need to stay with friends anymore and can actually get his own place by himself. I know I shouldn't care but I just wish he would realize at some point that he messed up...or at the very least that he misses me...even if it's only a little bit. I am also figuring out the school stuff -I have decided to get a second bachelors in Marketing instead of the teaching thing since they don't make too much more and to be honest who know when or even if I am going to have kids now. I am also shopping for some new clothes. I'm now down 18lbs from where I was when I found out Joe was cheating on me and I look so much better! I am also feeling more confident in sending Ben pictures and videos. I even had to go to the store to get more/new work out clothes! Yay!

Nick texted me last night saying how he had gone on a bad date and how he wished things had worked out with us. He then later in the night told me how they had to put down one of their dogs last night...and then this morning he apologized for being so emotional. I told him I get it and I'm sorry for his loss. I didn't tell him this but I am also sorry he is having a hard time finding some one. Life is hard by your self...at least it is when you have had that partner and had that comfort and then you lose it and you have to figure out how to be alone again. I'm not sure who has it better off... Nick, who has never known the feeling of the comfort of a partner or Me, some one who had it and lost it.

What I'm looking for

I'm not looking for a man to spend all the fun an great times with I am looking for a man who will walk through hell with me...some one who will stand by my side when we are up to our knees in shit. I want a man who can calm me when I'm stressed and make me smile when I'm crying. Some one who knows life isn't always going be rainbows and butterflies and is ok with that. Some one I know I can count on no matter what the issue. I know what I am looking for...I just don't know if I'm ever going to find it.


I think the biggest thing I learned last night...is something that Frans said... I need to give a little less fucks. And right now I think that is one of my biggest problems. I am trying WAY to hard. And people can sense that and it's not a good thing. And the thing is I know how it works...once you aren't looking for a guy they show up. But for some reason I feel like I can't just give it up to chance...I feel like it's not going to happen if I am not out there trying to make it happen. And that' my problem.

First and only date with Frans

Well I started my night off by going to a Seattle U/UW law and medicine get together and that was a total bust! None of the cute guys wanted to talk to me and when they did it was about their school...they literally had nothing else to talk about! It was soon weird! I felt so out of place and I just felt bad...like I felt like it was me...like I was too ugly or too dumb or too old (even though age NEVER came up in the conversation) or I don't even know. And the girls I went out with are so old and boring!! The architect of course went home with a guy's number because she can talk about anything and everything because she has lived everywhere! It's so annoying and everyone is fascinated by her job and honestly it's sooooo boring! If I didn't know any better she could be Ann and Kevin Peterson's long lost child because she is exactly like them! I wanted to keep socializing and they wanted to sit down at a table on the other side of the brewery...where there was no one. They went home at 9pm...on a friday night. WTF? So me not wanting the whole night to be a bust I texted Frans (A guy I met on tinder who apparently recognized me from high school) and we met up at the shittiest bar in Covington at 11:00pm and watched old people sing. He kissed me a couple times...which who ever is teaching men how to kiss or allowing them to continue to kiss like this should be shot on the spot. I almost gagged once because his tongue was so far in my mouth...I'm like what the hell are you looking for? I still have my tonsils if your where wondering. Plus he is not mature at all... his truck is a million times illegal, he doesn't have internet or tv, health insurance or anything like that. He works excavation which means yes he has a nice body but his voice is kinda higher then it should be for his appearance. But now I can say I have kissed a guy will a full on bushy ass beard....I guess. He had asked to go to my place a couple times and I turned him down and it's now 11:35am the next day and he hasn't responded to my text so oh well. However Ben called me and it was an amazing conversation... which pisses me off. Why you ask? Because the other night we had a conversation about being more then friends and he doesn't want to do a long distance relationship just because of the distance he kept saying it had nothing to do with me. But he also said he has had sex since seeing me which has only been like three weeks... so that crushed my heart...I mean I know he is and he is aloud to it just still hurts. I wish I didn't have feelings for him...I wish he wasn't such a good kisser...I wish I didn't fit perfectly into his arms when I hug him... I wish he wasn't on the other side of the country.


Also that night I talked to Ben...grandpa Winterfeld was rushed to the hospital because he had a small stroke. And it turns out he has some bleeding and swelling in his head. So I'm not sure how much longer he will be around. I still haven't told him about the divorce. I just feel so shitty about everything. And I'm not sure what to do about anything. I'm trying to get my life back on track and well it's hard. I think part of me is putting too much pressure on the guy thing but it's hard being lonely. It's hard feeling like you have failed in such a big way. I have also changed my mind on being a teacher...I know there goes Jilian with another plan another idea...what's it going to be this time? *sigh* I've decided to get another bachelors in Marketing since half the degree is already done with my transfer credits. That way maybe I can do something in Marketing or combine my experience to help me get something in Public Relations...since I'm not going to be popping kids out any time soon and even if I do I have come to realize in this world you need to still work because what if he leaves when you have the kids? Then what are you going to do? Which is a REALLY shitty way of thinking about things but I guess that is the world we live in. Ben asked me if I was in a hurry to get married and I guess I paused before I said no...and he caught it. I don't know if I am or not...I mean once you have been married and had a partner to do everything with and it suddenly is taken away from you ya I guess I am searching really hard to find that again...to get that feeling back. Do I want it with just anyone? Of course not. So I'll wait for the guy I'm suppose to be with but I hope he gets here sooner then later because the other thing guys never think about is...I'd like to have kids. That idea is getting farther and farther out of what I see my reality being at this point but if I could get pregnant with some one I love and have a baby and live like a happy family...I would like that.

True Friends

I am starting to learn who the good people are and who the bad ones are. My husband cheated on me. So that would be like if Kari cheated on Steven. If that happened I would shun her and never talk to her again because that's what you do. Nope. Not in my family. Uncle Mat and Brian so far have both liked his social media updates. So now both of those people are dead to me. Also apparently Rob and Bailee are now hanging out with Joe so they are dead to me. When something like this happens you pick sides and I am starting to learn who is on my and who isn't. Which is fine with me because I am going out and getting a while new life. Why would I want to hang out with old people who know Joe? Why would I want to hang out with people who don't want to hang out with me? Fuck them I say! Fuck them all!

Second date with Nick

Well I ended it with Nick this morning. I met up with him last night after the singles event I went to (which was a bust for guys but I did make another new girlfriend so that was awesome!) and he tried kissing me again and it was SUPER awkward and bad. This time instead of weird pecks he used WAY too much tongue and I was like why is he licking my face?!? Gross!! so then every time he tried to kiss me for the rest of the night I tried to avoid it :/ which is a clear sign I didn't like him but we were still having fun so we bar hopped in Ballard till like 3 in the morning and when I got home...I started texting Ben (because it was 6am there and he was just getting up) which also shows I wasn't into Nick. So this morning when I finally woke up (I am not waiting for pizza to be delivered because I am exhausted! I'm SUCH an old person now lol) I just texted him that I had fun, was trying to be honest, and that I think we would be better as friends...and he said that he kinda got that feeling last night.

But there we go...my first guy-ness dating thing after Joe is out of the way.

Joe had come over the night before to get more stuff and one of the first things he asked me was how Charleston was. Which means it kinda bothered him :) And for the first time since Portland I wasn't upset about seeing Joe. I was happy with my self and where I currently am. He said he saw my new car on Facebook and his mom called him to ask about it. (so accomplishment there lol) And when he was leaving I was getting in my car (to go to the grocery store) and he asked me if I was going on a date as a joke and I responded without thinking by saying "not tonight" and the look on his face was so awesome! I continued by saying I had one the night before, had one the next night and then I was meeting some one to watch the seahawks game on sunday. Joe had nothing to say. It felt really great. Felt like for the first time since all of this happened...I was winning. :)

First Date with Nick

So my first date after being with Joe for 10 years... not as bad as I was thinking it was going to be. Nick (from Tinder) was fun and I laughed and smiled A LOT! He started out by talking about his parent's divorce then we talked about weed...played some trivia at the bar... talked about animals, marriage and kids, cars...you name it we talked about it for 3 hours. It was all good until the end when he tried to kiss me. They were weird little quick bird pecks...I didn't even know what was happening until it was over. And it wasn't that he did it just once...he did it like four times...then kissed me on the head before I got in my car. Which the head kiss was nice but the kisses where awkward. And then by the time I got in my car and put on my seat belt and looked in my rear view mirror he was already gone...he had gotten in his car and drove away...I've never seen anyone leave so quickly in my life! I don't know...he seems to really like me and I am really stuck on the kiss...and the fact that he is not an alpha-male, and he is kinda socially awkward and I am not sure I am 100% attracted to him...ok so that's actually quite a bit of stuff :/ but I had fun :/ I don't know...we are meeting on Sunday to watch the Seahawks game so maybe I will know a little more for sure after our second date.

Dates

So Ben finally messaged me and apparently is having problems with his life spiraling out of control and he is angry all the time. Not an excuse but I kinda get it right now because I feel the same way. So I told him I can handle the yelling and the anger just don't disappear on me. I can't handle that. so we will see. I also have a date with a ginger tomorrow night...something I use to swear I would never do. So Hey 2016 this is going to be a crazy freaking year!

New Car

Well I got a new car. And said goodbye to the volvo. I am sad and yes I cried the whole way I drove it to the dealership but I am excited for the new car too. It's the start of a new chapter. I am not a child anymore. I am an independent woman. I was responsible with Joe but I always felt the same...like I never grew up... and now looking at all these men on these dating sites I realize that no I didn't grow up...my age increased every year but nothing else. I need more experiences, friends, money (lol) and the new car is a good start to that I think.


Now I just need a new place and a new job and a new guy. Which I am starting to think the place to live might be the easiest out of the three. There is just NO one online...and the ones that are kinda cute just want a hook up...sooooo.... bleh.

My Self

Today I am either going to buy (with the help of dad) a 2012 Volkswagen Passat or a 2010 Ford Fusion and give away my 1997 Volvo. I'm sad because I have had that car for the last 10 years but I guess that is my thing right now...everything I've had for the last 1/3 of my life I am getting rid of...I was with Joe for 10 years...had my car for 10 years...had Ben in my life for 13 years... it's all going away.

When I ran the numbers the other day on what I need to survive I think I figured out an extra $1,000.00 would help a great deal...so if I can get that much in spousal support my life would be much easier and that would give me more time to find a new job. I was also thinking this morning when I woke up that if I get a waitress job on the weekends that would help too. It's nice having the weekends to do stuff but for a little while if I could get a job and it's worth it in tips...that would help a lot financially. I just need to figure out where I am going to be living after the house sells so I can get a job near where I will be living and not near here cause I won't want to deal with a commute and it will need to be some place I don't ever plan on eating at again.

I also am having WGU look at my transcripts against the Bachelor's in Marketing degree there to see what I would still need to take to get a masters. I think that might be a good avenue to make more money. I still like the idea of teaching and having that time off and giving back to kids, but that might be a later thing? I don't know...all I know is that I need to make money right now. I need to protect myself and my kitties and make sure I am never in this position again so that right now is the only thing driving me: To never be in this position again.

I think I had fun the other night at the Meetup.com event in Seattle. I met two girls who gave me their numbers and said they would go with me to the next event so that's nice. It was also really nice just taking about being single with other people who have been doing the same thing as me but for longer so that I have a little more of an idea. So it was good until  had probably one too many drinks and drove home crying on the phone to Vicky because I realized this is my life now. I am one of those girls and I am scared shitless. The one girl never wants to have kids so she is not concerned about a time line on meeting a guy but I think I am. I think I still want kids...I think. I mean I have always wanted them but I never actually wanted them until like a year ago and that was with Joe. Well Joe won't be their daddy some one else will be and that kinda freaks me the fuck out. To be honest my whole like freaks me the fuck out right now. That's partly why I am excited to get the new car because then that is one less problem in my life I have to fix. But at the same time it is really hard letting go of literally EVERYTHING I have known for the last 10 years all at once.

I texted Ben on Friday afternoon saying that if he doesn't want me to be a part of his personal life to just tell me and I will leave him alone...and it's now Sunday and I still haven't heard from him. I have had silence for a complete week now. And the thing that I realized today was that when he talks about his friends to me, it's a friend or a buddy or his roommate. He never uses names but when he was talking to his roommate while I was there he said his friend, Sara, gave him the whisky as a get through finals gift. Why did he use her name? Why did he get to know which friend? Why did he accept a gift from her but always tells me no gifts because he hates them? How does she know he likes whisky? So all of that makes me feel like he is keeping me out because he doesn't want me so fuck him. I don't need that kind of shit in my life. (not that he is ever going to contact me again) But I guess I was just a "hey I like you when your around or when I need some one but other then that your not a part of my life" person to him. He probably thought he was safe because I was married and would never have to actually do all the things he said he wanted or would do if I wasn't married.  I just hate the silence...I would rather have yelling and arguing then silence.

Stop Helping Me

STOP HELPING ME!!!

If I need help I will ask for it but don't just start doing things. I can clean out my own car... I don't need my dad and sister going through it and deciding what is trash and what isn't. It is my car, my stuff, so I will take care of it. I am 28 years old and being treated like I am in high school. I was just starting to think that it could be possible to live at my dads for a little while if I tried to get my masters but FUCK THAT idea now. The idea of telling them every move I make...eat what they want at the time they want every night... having to follow their house rules... Fuck no. If anything is going to help me right now it is my independence.

My generation and everyone after me feels like they should just be given things. That they should just be instantly happy and if they are not then they are going to throw it away or make a big fuss until they are happy. That's not me. I am trying to figure my shit out on my own. I am trying not to take hand outs and build my self up on my own because I obviously depended on other people too much...because I am where I am now.

Things I need to do:

-Find a new car and pay for it.
-Find a new place to live and pay for it.
-Find a new job that will be able to support my life.
-Depending on the job I find... Go get my Masters degree.
-Lose weight till I'm at my Target.
-Pay down my debt.
-Find a new guy who is worth me.


How much I make: $2,000.00
How much for rent: $1,100.00
How much for gym: $44.00
How much for car insurance: $63.34
How much for cell phone: $58.50
How much for monthly stuff (hulu, word, photoshop, Netflix): $38.00
How much for internet:$100.00
How much for utilities: $200.00
How much for car: $200.00

Total left over for food, fun, and paying down debt:  $196.16

How much for classes: $482 a month

Fuck me.

Officially a crazy person

I went and looked at some cars yesterday... when I asked to test drive them I looked in my purse for my drivers license and then realized I left it in my gym belt at home. Most people would respond to this by saying..."aw crap" and being a little upset about it. Not me. Nope. I burst into full blown tears in the middle of the parking lot. Yup tears streaming down my face. I'm officially a crazy person.


And now I am being told I can't go look at cars today because I swore around my dad...WTF?! I swear starting today I will never let me be in this place ever again. I will never depend on some one for so much in my life that if they were to leave I would hit this low. (so I guess being a stay at home mom will never happen) because I need to always be able to afford my life. To have power to control what happens to me and never need to rely on anyone else for anything. I am done being helpless and I am done being controlled. If people don't text me back...fuck them they aren't worth my time. I am done putting time and energy into people who could give two shits about me. I have given up too much of me to too many people who never gave anything back. Next week I will cleanse... mom and Steve will be out of the office. I have her car so I don't need to deal with Meridith or dad. I will spend my days applying to more jobs and my evenings working out at they gym.

Un-Lovable

My mind keeps wondering back to him again. It doesn't help that people are posting things on facebook and pinterest about "loving each other for ever and never divorcing" and about having babies. All things I thought I had...and I keep thinking back to what went wrong...what I could have done...what he did and it continues to hurt every time my mind goes there. I thought I was do well. I thought I was over the pain and over wanting him back. I guess I'm just not over the loss of the life I had yet. Not over the feeling of being un-lovable...doesn't help that Ben is mad at me and not talking to me...ya it's for a stupid reason but it doesn't re-emphasis the un-lovable part. Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone? Will I never have kids or just a man who cares about me? I mean really that's what it comes down to a man actually loving me...caring about me for once in my life. I am starting to feel like that is too much to ask for. I thought I was a good wife...I thought I was going to be a good mom... I guess I was wrong. All those things I did...things I gave up...things I changed and sacrificed for our family... it was never for the family...it was for him. So he could have his life on track so when he left me he wouldn't fall flat on his face... no this mud I'm laying in...it's because he took everything I had and then pushed me and watched me fall.

I mean I wanted to go on trips...wanted to go hiking and camping...wanted to go to sporting events and concerts. I was cooking homemade meals to help him with his goal. I was letting him work late and at home. I was doing everything he wanted and yet it still wasn't enough. Should we have had sex more often...ya but was he any good at it...no.

I just want some one to do things with and go places with. I want some one to hold my hand when we walk and cuddle with me when we watch tv. Some one to tell me for once that I'm pretty and that they love me and actually mean it. Some one who misses me when I'm not there and thinks about me during the day.


Have you ever felt like you where losing faith... losing faith in your self... losing faith in your ability to move forward? Some days I just feel like curling up in a ball I the corner of my closet and just staying there forever. I have been putting on a face every day when I leave my house and everyone believes it... but once I take it off all I do is wonder how I will manage to do it again tomorrow. How will I keep the tears back...the anger pushed down... the smile big enough that people believe that it's real.


He lied to me...a lot. He lied about going to strip clubs... he lied to me about cheating on me twice. He lied about trying...about loving me...about wanting to make it work...about wanting kids. How am I suppose to trusts after that? How can I believe anything any one else ever says to me?

Shitty Day

Well it's going to cost at least $3,000 to fix my car... I still haven't heard from Ben since he hung up on me and when I tried to fill Meridith's car with gas the doors decided to automatically lock with the keys inside...so dad had to drive down to let me back in. Not to mention I managed to piss both parents off and probably Steve as well today. I lost count of how many times I have cried so yeah...I'm winning today. I actually got to the point where I just feel like giving up...like locking my self in my room and never leaving because no matter what I do something bad happens.

I did however run a mile at the gym without stopping so that's one positive thing I guess. Vicky says Rick is where the two soldiers where killed in Afghanistan today. He told her it is like Blackhawk down...she hasn't seen it...I told her not to. I guess there are 12 soldiers trapped waiting rescue in some kind of a compound right now. :/ I guess I didn't realize we were still fighting Taliban...I thought we had moved on to fighting ISIS. But I guess we are fighting everyone all the time.

WTF

So Ben calls me and he sounds not the happiest...we talk and then I apologize for the other night and he said no it's fine he was just being grumpy and then tells me the answer to the best friend question and then proceeds to tell me how it was a weird question and how it was something a 5 year old would ask and then starts yelling at me and then hangs up. WTF?!?!? I don't have the emotional bandwidth for this! I am getting divorced...so I have to find a new place to live, a new job, a new car, a new guy, and figure out how to pay for it all. So if people think they are going to take their problems out on me FUCK THAT!

He needs to decide if he wants me and if he doesn't then I'm out and if he does then this bull shit needs to stop. So until then I am going to be the one who disappears. Because I need a man who will support me, love me, protect me. I need a man who is reliable, trustworthy, adventurous and who has a pair of balls. I need a guy who is good in bed and can call me out on my bs but still romance the shit out of me and push me to be a better person. I need a man. Not a fucking woman who is pms-ing.

So lets see who is strong enough to be my man.

Match.com

Soon Match.com blows. Instead of giving me hope that there are men out there it just makes me sad because the only men out there are ugly losers. Like there are reasons they are not married. Or they are attractive but have kids!! Keep it in your lucky pants people or use protection! Why is that hard?

I'm so screwed...its going to be a while before I find my next husband... hell I think it's going to be while before I find anyone to just simply go on a date with at this point. And I just signed up for EHarmony.com and holy crap on a cracker...that wasn't helpful either!!

Update: so one guy has been taking to me and he seems nice I guess...we have been texting now and I'm not sure if he is very cute (the pictures are hard to tell) and the stuff he asks and is talking about is kinda like whatever...granted I'm not sure what two total strangers are suppose to talk about with no physical interaction and both are looking to settle down...it's just kinda weird. But it is taking my mind off everything else so if nothing else that is good. I wish one of the other guys I emailed would message me back for once. But I am trying to be as honest as possible with this guy...well with the whole dating process. I mean if I am and they like me great and if they don't oh well this is who I am. I am a 28 year old girl who is kinda tom boy-ish and needs a strong man to control her crazy-ness and encourage the wonderful.

2016

Today was the first day of 2016 and I'm not sure how it went... I spent the whole day with daddy going up to Mt. Rainier. It wasn't the day I was planning but it was nice. I am still not sure about the whole Ben thing... I texted him asking if he was busy or mad at me around 7:42am and he didn't text me back till 5:20pm saying he was busy. This time I waited 2 hours before texting him back and now I am once again waiting for him to text me back. Once again I am feeling like I am not important to another guy... I always try to text people back as quickly as I can because I feel like that is respectful and when it's some one I like and care about I make time to do it because I want to talk to them. He doesn't make time to text me back...so I guess that means he doesn't want to talk to me. So I either need to give him a dose of his own shit and hope he gets the message or cut it off...

Which is harder to do then it sounds because I haven't done it yet. In 13 years I didn't do it. I didn't do it when I got serious about a guy...when I got engaged...when I got married... I never did it. I think my love, lust, addition whatever you want to call it to him...I think it killed my marriage. I killed my marriage. I set it up to fail because I didn't whole heartedly love him with everything I had...I only loved him with some of it. And now I lost him and I am probably going to lose him as well. And for what? For what?

I keep coming up with plans...and I feel great about the ideas...for a while and then I start to question it. Like would living in DC be good for me? Or am I just building my life around another guy that may not love me? Should I just stay here...or take a baby step and move to Portland or something? I know I need to be strong but I am weak. I am so very weak. I am trying to "fake it till I make it" but what is making it? What is it that I am trying to do?

I've thought about getting a tattoo and I've struggled with of what and where do I put it. I think I wanted it to remind me to be strong...to remind me never to lose myself... but I was. I was both of those things and thats what led to my marriage ending. I was hard. I was forceful. I was a bitch. And will the tattoo remind me of that or will it simply remind me of how I fucked everything up? Remind me how he left me? Remind me that I am not worth love?