Well I started my night off by going to a Seattle U/UW law and medicine get together and that was a total bust! None of the cute guys wanted to talk to me and when they did it was about their school...they literally had nothing else to talk about! It was soon weird! I felt so out of place and I just felt bad...like I felt like it was me...like I was too ugly or too dumb or too old (even though age NEVER came up in the conversation) or I don't even know. And the girls I went out with are so old and boring!! The architect of course went home with a guy's number because she can talk about anything and everything because she has lived everywhere! It's so annoying and everyone is fascinated by her job and honestly it's sooooo boring! If I didn't know any better she could be Ann and Kevin Peterson's long lost child because she is exactly like them! I wanted to keep socializing and they wanted to sit down at a table on the other side of the brewery...where there was no one. They went home at 9pm...on a friday night. WTF? So me not wanting the whole night to be a bust I texted Frans (A guy I met on tinder who apparently recognized me from high school) and we met up at the shittiest bar in Covington at 11:00pm and watched old people sing. He kissed me a couple times...which who ever is teaching men how to kiss or allowing them to continue to kiss like this should be shot on the spot. I almost gagged once because his tongue was so far in my mouth...I'm like what the hell are you looking for? I still have my tonsils if your where wondering. Plus he is not mature at all... his truck is a million times illegal, he doesn't have internet or tv, health insurance or anything like that. He works excavation which means yes he has a nice body but his voice is kinda higher then it should be for his appearance. But now I can say I have kissed a guy will a full on bushy ass beard....I guess. He had asked to go to my place a couple times and I turned him down and it's now 11:35am the next day and he hasn't responded to my text so oh well. However Ben called me and it was an amazing conversation... which pisses me off. Why you ask? Because the other night we had a conversation about being more then friends and he doesn't want to do a long distance relationship just because of the distance he kept saying it had nothing to do with me. But he also said he has had sex since seeing me which has only been like three weeks... so that crushed my heart...I mean I know he is and he is aloud to it just still hurts. I wish I didn't have feelings for him...I wish he wasn't such a good kisser...I wish I didn't fit perfectly into his arms when I hug him... I wish he wasn't on the other side of the country.
Also that night I talked to Ben...grandpa Winterfeld was rushed to the hospital because he had a small stroke. And it turns out he has some bleeding and swelling in his head. So I'm not sure how much longer he will be around. I still haven't told him about the divorce. I just feel so shitty about everything. And I'm not sure what to do about anything. I'm trying to get my life back on track and well it's hard. I think part of me is putting too much pressure on the guy thing but it's hard being lonely. It's hard feeling like you have failed in such a big way. I have also changed my mind on being a teacher...I know there goes Jilian with another plan another idea...what's it going to be this time? *sigh* I've decided to get another bachelors in Marketing since half the degree is already done with my transfer credits. That way maybe I can do something in Marketing or combine my experience to help me get something in Public Relations...since I'm not going to be popping kids out any time soon and even if I do I have come to realize in this world you need to still work because what if he leaves when you have the kids? Then what are you going to do? Which is a REALLY shitty way of thinking about things but I guess that is the world we live in. Ben asked me if I was in a hurry to get married and I guess I paused before I said no...and he caught it. I don't know if I am or not...I mean once you have been married and had a partner to do everything with and it suddenly is taken away from you ya I guess I am searching really hard to find that again...to get that feeling back. Do I want it with just anyone? Of course not. So I'll wait for the guy I'm suppose to be with but I hope he gets here sooner then later because the other thing guys never think about is...I'd like to have kids. That idea is getting farther and farther out of what I see my reality being at this point but if I could get pregnant with some one I love and have a baby and live like a happy family...I would like that.
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