Un-Lovable

My mind keeps wondering back to him again. It doesn't help that people are posting things on facebook and pinterest about "loving each other for ever and never divorcing" and about having babies. All things I thought I had...and I keep thinking back to what went wrong...what I could have done...what he did and it continues to hurt every time my mind goes there. I thought I was do well. I thought I was over the pain and over wanting him back. I guess I'm just not over the loss of the life I had yet. Not over the feeling of being un-lovable...doesn't help that Ben is mad at me and not talking to me...ya it's for a stupid reason but it doesn't re-emphasis the un-lovable part. Am I going to spend the rest of my life alone? Will I never have kids or just a man who cares about me? I mean really that's what it comes down to a man actually loving me...caring about me for once in my life. I am starting to feel like that is too much to ask for. I thought I was a good wife...I thought I was going to be a good mom... I guess I was wrong. All those things I did...things I gave up...things I changed and sacrificed for our family... it was never for the family...it was for him. So he could have his life on track so when he left me he wouldn't fall flat on his face... no this mud I'm laying in...it's because he took everything I had and then pushed me and watched me fall.

I mean I wanted to go on trips...wanted to go hiking and camping...wanted to go to sporting events and concerts. I was cooking homemade meals to help him with his goal. I was letting him work late and at home. I was doing everything he wanted and yet it still wasn't enough. Should we have had sex more often...ya but was he any good at it...no.

I just want some one to do things with and go places with. I want some one to hold my hand when we walk and cuddle with me when we watch tv. Some one to tell me for once that I'm pretty and that they love me and actually mean it. Some one who misses me when I'm not there and thinks about me during the day.


Have you ever felt like you where losing faith... losing faith in your self... losing faith in your ability to move forward? Some days I just feel like curling up in a ball I the corner of my closet and just staying there forever. I have been putting on a face every day when I leave my house and everyone believes it... but once I take it off all I do is wonder how I will manage to do it again tomorrow. How will I keep the tears back...the anger pushed down... the smile big enough that people believe that it's real.


He lied to me...a lot. He lied about going to strip clubs... he lied to me about cheating on me twice. He lied about trying...about loving me...about wanting to make it work...about wanting kids. How am I suppose to trusts after that? How can I believe anything any one else ever says to me?