My Self

Today I am either going to buy (with the help of dad) a 2012 Volkswagen Passat or a 2010 Ford Fusion and give away my 1997 Volvo. I'm sad because I have had that car for the last 10 years but I guess that is my thing right now...everything I've had for the last 1/3 of my life I am getting rid of...I was with Joe for 10 years...had my car for 10 years...had Ben in my life for 13 years... it's all going away.

When I ran the numbers the other day on what I need to survive I think I figured out an extra $1,000.00 would help a great deal...so if I can get that much in spousal support my life would be much easier and that would give me more time to find a new job. I was also thinking this morning when I woke up that if I get a waitress job on the weekends that would help too. It's nice having the weekends to do stuff but for a little while if I could get a job and it's worth it in tips...that would help a lot financially. I just need to figure out where I am going to be living after the house sells so I can get a job near where I will be living and not near here cause I won't want to deal with a commute and it will need to be some place I don't ever plan on eating at again.

I also am having WGU look at my transcripts against the Bachelor's in Marketing degree there to see what I would still need to take to get a masters. I think that might be a good avenue to make more money. I still like the idea of teaching and having that time off and giving back to kids, but that might be a later thing? I don't know...all I know is that I need to make money right now. I need to protect myself and my kitties and make sure I am never in this position again so that right now is the only thing driving me: To never be in this position again.

I think I had fun the other night at the Meetup.com event in Seattle. I met two girls who gave me their numbers and said they would go with me to the next event so that's nice. It was also really nice just taking about being single with other people who have been doing the same thing as me but for longer so that I have a little more of an idea. So it was good until  had probably one too many drinks and drove home crying on the phone to Vicky because I realized this is my life now. I am one of those girls and I am scared shitless. The one girl never wants to have kids so she is not concerned about a time line on meeting a guy but I think I am. I think I still want kids...I think. I mean I have always wanted them but I never actually wanted them until like a year ago and that was with Joe. Well Joe won't be their daddy some one else will be and that kinda freaks me the fuck out. To be honest my whole like freaks me the fuck out right now. That's partly why I am excited to get the new car because then that is one less problem in my life I have to fix. But at the same time it is really hard letting go of literally EVERYTHING I have known for the last 10 years all at once.

I texted Ben on Friday afternoon saying that if he doesn't want me to be a part of his personal life to just tell me and I will leave him alone...and it's now Sunday and I still haven't heard from him. I have had silence for a complete week now. And the thing that I realized today was that when he talks about his friends to me, it's a friend or a buddy or his roommate. He never uses names but when he was talking to his roommate while I was there he said his friend, Sara, gave him the whisky as a get through finals gift. Why did he use her name? Why did he get to know which friend? Why did he accept a gift from her but always tells me no gifts because he hates them? How does she know he likes whisky? So all of that makes me feel like he is keeping me out because he doesn't want me so fuck him. I don't need that kind of shit in my life. (not that he is ever going to contact me again) But I guess I was just a "hey I like you when your around or when I need some one but other then that your not a part of my life" person to him. He probably thought he was safe because I was married and would never have to actually do all the things he said he wanted or would do if I wasn't married.  I just hate the silence...I would rather have yelling and arguing then silence.