2016

Today was the first day of 2016 and I'm not sure how it went... I spent the whole day with daddy going up to Mt. Rainier. It wasn't the day I was planning but it was nice. I am still not sure about the whole Ben thing... I texted him asking if he was busy or mad at me around 7:42am and he didn't text me back till 5:20pm saying he was busy. This time I waited 2 hours before texting him back and now I am once again waiting for him to text me back. Once again I am feeling like I am not important to another guy... I always try to text people back as quickly as I can because I feel like that is respectful and when it's some one I like and care about I make time to do it because I want to talk to them. He doesn't make time to text me back...so I guess that means he doesn't want to talk to me. So I either need to give him a dose of his own shit and hope he gets the message or cut it off...

Which is harder to do then it sounds because I haven't done it yet. In 13 years I didn't do it. I didn't do it when I got serious about a guy...when I got engaged...when I got married... I never did it. I think my love, lust, addition whatever you want to call it to him...I think it killed my marriage. I killed my marriage. I set it up to fail because I didn't whole heartedly love him with everything I had...I only loved him with some of it. And now I lost him and I am probably going to lose him as well. And for what? For what?

I keep coming up with plans...and I feel great about the ideas...for a while and then I start to question it. Like would living in DC be good for me? Or am I just building my life around another guy that may not love me? Should I just stay here...or take a baby step and move to Portland or something? I know I need to be strong but I am weak. I am so very weak. I am trying to "fake it till I make it" but what is making it? What is it that I am trying to do?

I've thought about getting a tattoo and I've struggled with of what and where do I put it. I think I wanted it to remind me to be strong...to remind me never to lose myself... but I was. I was both of those things and thats what led to my marriage ending. I was hard. I was forceful. I was a bitch. And will the tattoo remind me of that or will it simply remind me of how I fucked everything up? Remind me how he left me? Remind me that I am not worth love?