Pushed Down

It feels like every time I try to get up...life pushes me down. I start to think I'm happy...I start to think I can do this...and then I am just pushed back down. I have 32 minutes until 2016. And I'm afraid its not going to help me. You see I have learned that if something bad happens I blame it on something I don't need. When my parents got divorced I blamed it on Steve because I didn't need him...but I needed my mom and dad. When Joe cheated I blamed it on her...I convinced my self that she tricked him because I needed him. And now I find my self blaming everything on 2015 because I don't need it...and well I have nothing else to put my blame on. I am trying to cope the best way I know how. I am writing, blaming on things I don't need, trying to change everything I can to try to gain some control back in my life... and yet here I am helpless...feeling sorry for myself with 30 minutes left of 2015.  I texted him at his midnight... nothing. Most of the time it's nothing. He said a long distance relationship would "destroy me"...I'm not sure what he meant by that but like Vicky said we have been in a "relationship" for the last 13 years...the only difference now is that I am single and all those words, promises, thoughts, feelings...can be real now. I think that scares him...but who do I blame for him? Who or what do I direct my anger and sadness?

I feel like every time I get happy...something comes and kicks me down. A couple swift kicks to the ribs and I'm back on the ground begging for it to stop. I like to think God has a plan for me...that all of this is for a reason...my mom seems to hope that too. I just hope I find out the reason soon. For a month and a half I was praying almost all the time. Begging for help...begging for guidance... begging for anything. He still left me. And he was happy about it. I am still losing my home. Still losing the life I once had. And I think I lost god. Because I prayed and prayed...I seemed help from the church... I did everything I could do. But it wasn't enough. The last two times I was in the sanctuary... kneeling at the alter...trying to pray I ended up in tears. Because I felt all alone...I felt bad that I stopped believing in him.

I don't know what to do anymore...I am thinking about moving away...getting a tattoo...finding a new job... is that what I need to do or are those all just crazy panic thoughts? There are 15 minutes now till 2016... I'm not going to lie...I am starting to get nervous. All night the neighbors have been shooting off fireworks and it sounds like I'm in the middle of a battle scene. It scared Winnie at first but 6 hours later and she is pretty used to it now. But I feel like it is a fitting way to take out 2015...because it has been nothing but a fight for me. Nothing but a long drawn out battle. And I know I am going to suffer from PTSD after it's over...I just hope (not matter how much I try to convince my self that I don't need a man and that I can do everything on my own...which isn't working by the way) I just hope that I find a man who will take care of me...emotionally, physically, sexually, and religiously. Some one who generally cares about me and puts me first for once. I need some one who will be strong enough to love me and hold me and keep me safe. I need some one else. God made me to be with some one...I just hope he made that person for me to be with.