Moving

I'm thinking about moving... for two reasons.

1. because everything in Washington reminds me of Joe (as soon as I could see the city from the plane I instantly felt like shit again and the pressure from everyone around me started in)

2. Because if Ben actually thinks it might work between us then now would be the best time to try.

Because lets look a the situation...I need to find a new job. I need to find a new place to live. Yes my family lives here but other then that I don't have any friends so nothing is actually holding me here. I am single and starting fresh and what makes more since then starting fresh some place that doesn't remind you of your ex? The real scary thing would be that fact I would be forced to either make new friends or I would be living a very lonely life. But if it doesn't work out say give it a year or so I could always move back. But at least I could say I tried and gave it a shot. And I feel like that would be true of just a scenery change and the taking a chance with Ben...I mean what do I have to lose? Yes is he a good friend? Ya. Could he be better? Ya. If it didn't work out with him would I still be able to be his friend...probably not. Do I want to continue having him as a friend that I am in love with and spend forever wondering what if... no. So I have to do this.

I kinda asked him about us and he said that right now isn't a good time with me dealing with the whole divorce thing and then with him moving to Virginia this summer. But I feel like those are yes good concerns but at the same time I also feel like those are total shit answers. Then when I told him that I loved him and that I want more...or would like/hope for more....he said he loves me too and that has crossed him mind too. So that's good that he loves me and that it has crossed him mind but what does crossed his mind mean? Like once or twice it popped up for yeah he would like that too? And is it only a crossed my mind thing because I was acting crazy this week instead of just being me? I really wish I could take back this last week and do a do-over.

I told him that with anyone even Vicky when I haven't seen people in a while it takes me some time to warm back up to them...and he thought that was weird and that I should talk to my counsellors about it. I don't him I went to them for marriage shit but am not seeing anyone now. And then today my dad called me and suggested I go to a counsellor to help me get over my divorce. WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I NEED HELP?!? Am I acting weirder then everyone else does when their 10 year relationship ends in cheating? Like yes I do talk about it a lot but other then that I think I am handling this all pretty well. Am I a little broken and have self esteem issues now and am unsure about how to move forward with my life...yes but a big part of that is because I am living in the ghost of my old life right now! I am living in our house...cleaning out all his stuff from it...working at the same shitty job that I only took because he told me to... and still seeing him/talking to him often to give him his crap or get shit figured out with attorneys. So yes is it a little hard to wipe my hands clean and move on all nicely right now...Yes. Hence the idea to move and be in a fresh place with a fresh home and a fresh job and a fresh start where no one knows him, nothing reminds me of him, and I can just be Jilian.

Vicky is even going to be leaving here soon because their 3 year tour is almost over and she said I should wait till they find out where they are going and then move to where ever they are going...which I could do as well. That's the thing...I can go where ever I want as long as I can afford a place to live and get a job.  I don't have to cater to anyone or ask anyone else's opinions...I can just do it. And as I write this am I getting scared...absolutely. I am realizing that in my entire life besides WSU I have never just done anything on my own. But I did WSU. I did that on my own. I got a roommate and from that branched with her to get more friends and I was fine. So that's what I need to do. I need to figure out where I want to go...figure out the whole job thing and then I should get a roommate so I have an instant person to do some stuff with. I need to find someplace safe and someplace where there would be a lot of people my age...Vicky would need to be near an army base and Ben will be near a Marine base which both have big options for single guys I would think...or I would need to be in a major city...where the nightlife is good and there are things to do and places to eat. Being single in a suburb would be stupid because like where I live now there are no people. I mean once you have friends established then that's different or until you got a guy you are living with but if I am single I need to be some place near people and things going on.

I think I can do this... I think I will be ok. So now I just have to figure out Ben's whole thing and then Vicky's and then I can figure out where to go.