Marriage

He wants to marry me. He's said it several times now...he asked me about what type of wedding ring I would want as far as what type of gold and diamond cut. And while we made love last night we talked about a life together...he told me how he wants to give me the house with the white picket fence...the golden retriever in the yard and the kitties in the house...two kids, a boy and a girl and his kids home during the summers. He talked about how he wants to grow old with me and tell our grand kids our love story. He talked about how he wants to share every first and every last he can with me.

I know I have walls...but I am not necessarily sure what they are or why they are there. I'm not sure why certain things are freaking me out or making me question. Chris cooks for me, tells me how wonderful I am, talks to me about everything, is honest, wants to spend time with me. He is gentle and makes love. He is attractive and yet I am not sure why I am not in the same place as him.

When I think about the fears that Joe could possibly have given me at the end I guess they are as follows:

1. body image
2. fear of some one leaving
3. fear of some one rejecting me
4. fear of commitment
5.

and then I am lost. Because I do have an issue with my body but I have been really comfortable with Chris. And I am not fearing him leaving me or rejecting me...but that may be because I know he won't where I did fear it a little with Ben. And as far as the commitment I am thinking about the future so that can't be a fear...right? So what is my problem? I am really happy when I am with him and I am attracted to him... but when I am not with him my head kicks into gear and is like wow calm your tits. The only issue I can think of is the time frame. The fact that he is moving so fast in just two weeks and I'm not even completely over what happened with Joe...I guess. I mean I feel over him...I don't think about him anymore and I haven't had any dreams about him... maybe it's because I am not in a new place yet and still living in "our house" with "our things". And maybe in my subconscious I am trying to plug Chris in where Joe was and just continue on...and I don't want to do that. I don't want something just because it is comfortable. So I think once I get the divorce done and I move into my own place and I maybe don't see Chris everyday...that might help bring me back into the "new life".  I need Chris to try to date me and not marry me right now.